Hiding

I have been hiding from the scale.

Wearing scrubs to work.

Not going to the gym.

Avoiding ED blogs.

DENIAL.

I am in denial. I have been so utterly miserable with my job that I would probably have killed myself if I could'nt enjoy food. Now I am plump and miserable for a different reason and I still hate my job.

Normally I have a plan.

Sadly, my plan right now is to survive.

Hope I make it. 

ummm......right.

Hello Fuck up.

You were doing so well. What happened to you? Tomorrow your work schedule is shitty. I think you also deserve a shitty menu so here it is....

                   You may partake in 300-700 Calories a day and that is it.

                   For every 100 calories you go over you will punish yourself with 2 laxies and 3 shots of    
                   Miralax.

                   Keep it up and you will have to drink Red Bull at 10 pm.

                  You are expected to work out 90 minutes 5 days per week.


I did this to myself....I am pathetic. I will use this regimen to become stronger. 

Deuce deuce

Go figure. New low weight so lets sabotage it. Took friend out to celebrate new pregnancy. Thought about the salad and ordered the hamburger. Shared the appetizer...some creamy seafood thing on fried (yes-fucking-fried) pita. 2 margaritas and 2 beers.

I am going to be positive. Tomorrow I will hit the gym for two hours then rest and run on the treadmill at home for one hour then do an hour on the reformer  at home. I ruined all my work completing lemonade party #2, but just took a handful of laxies to try to balance out (yes, pathetic I know).

Juice diet tomorrow which is going to suck with all the working out.

Preggers really enjoyed our little get together so that's fun. Ugh-babies. I'm at that age where everyone is having kids and how could I possibly understand. Ummm....I work 80 hours a week taking care of tons of people. Believe it or not I think I understand. I don't even like most of these people, but I'm guessing moms love their babies. Maybe they don't freakin' understand.

I am all about stay at home moms, but it is what it is. I have another friend with 2 parasites who stays at home, and she never has time for anything. This baffles me. I work all the G.D. time and I still manage to make it work without a maid. I manage to cook every night, and get my fat ass to the gym. Go figure!

Ok Ok I am being rude and offensive, but some of us will be the bread winners of the family unit. We don't take kindly to being told that we don't understand. Maybe they don't understand.

I'm looking for a hobby. I have no hobbies, and feel like this would be beneficial to my wellbeing. I use to make jewelry, but now I cringe at the thought. I'm thinking about sewing (also use to knit, but have zero desire presently). I don't feel excited about anything but being off from work, and when I lose weight....not exactly hobby material. I don't know how to sew, but I love the idea of making my own clothes.

I spent a fortune today. I am going to be in trouble tomorrow but fuck it. The beauty store had buy 2 get 1 free nail polish. Plus, I spent more at a repeat trip to the grocery store. Not to mention preggers dinner and gifts.

Top 5 places I would like to visit:
1. India
2. Antartica (thought about applying for a job)
3. Ecuador
4. Turkey
5. Ireland

Places I have been:
-Germany
-Holland
-Belgium
-Italy
-Czechoslovakia (before the split)
-France
-England
-Thailand
-Myanmar
-Multiple Caribbean Islands (if they count)
-Mexico

Obviously I mean foreign places. I have been all over the USA. I am an army brat.

My Lady Gaga "Pray for Japan" bracelet came today. Yay. My parents also sent hubby and I a wonderful anniversary gift. Edible Art---it's these pretty fruit arrangements. 4 years total. We have been together since 2002. Sometimes I wish I was single, but only for simplification. I know I am nuts, and it's probably hard for hubby, but he tolerates it. I think he is hanging in there for the doctor pay but I could be wrong.

At least the sex is good. 

Contemplating a Twofer

I might post twice today. It's so early and I am home by myself, but feel like blogging now so we'll see.

I'm thinking of repeating the lemonade party too. I will definitely work out first this time. Last time I felt like I was going to crap myself and had to leave the gym early. I don't feel like going to the gym today. I am getting ready to force myself to go change, but I am dreading it. It is insanely monotonous.

After that I am going to the beauty supply store to look at nail polish. I want to get a pedicure today, but "friend" wants to go later in the week. Our house (which is super duper old--105 years) is really freakin cold today. I really don't know what to do with myself today so I will probably drive around aimlessly with one of the dogs as my company.

I think I have arthritis in one of my toes. It really aches. I don't know why I am sharing this, but I guess it's really depressing to think of having arthritis. I am turning 30 this month. I have mixed feelings. I know aging will give me more respect in my profession. BUT- I still don't want to get old(er).

Summary: I absolutely don't know what to do with myself today, but must avoid stuffing my fat face at all costs. 

144 byotch

Yay-finally.


Mother fuckin  


PROGRESS


What Have I been doing? Two things

Starving
Cross Training


So, my friend kept giving me shit about dieting. So I finally said to her that if I don't weigh the number I want then I won't be coming to her wedding. So, she acted mad at first until I said that she could support me or not. Because, if she doesn't then if my weight sucks than I won't come to her wedding.

Hehe. More support than you could imagine.  Don't tell the hidden weight. Be elusive. All the same weight is 144lbs.

Hubby will be gone Saturday and Sunday. The plan: work out like crazy.

Oy vay-got the hiccups. Must go.

Suck it. My birthday is this month.  

Pink Lemonade Party

I had been doing ok. Until yesterday when I ate a bunch of nachos for dinner. Right now I am doing a colonscopy prep. I'm not having a colonscopy, but just think that I would feel better with a clean colon. A fresh start kind of thing. I guess I could have done a salt water flush type of thing, but I think Crystal Light lemonade tastes much better than salt water.

I'm hoping to go to the gym later today so hopefully I will be able to leave the house.

I guess what sucks about the prep is that I have to drink like 2 liters of lemonade. I still have more left to drink, and am already tired of lemonade.

I feel like puking. I have drank so much so quickly :( I was trying to be done so I chugged and chugged and chugged. I have one glass left (a huge glass) to drink. If I vomit I am going to be pissed.

______________________________________________________

So, it's like 5+ hours later. I didn't puke. I was able to do 30 minutes of cardio at the gym before worrying I might shit myself so no yoga tonight. I would totally do this again (on a weekend). I am spotless on the inside. It's fabulous.

Tentative plan is liquid diet for the next 2 days then re-evaluate.

Time to say goodbye

Dear Mia,

I hate you. Please go away and do not come back. I hope you get herpes in your eye and die from it.

Go to hell,
Chickadee

Not sure exactly what I was thinking. If I was thinking at all.

So fuck me I just binged. Did wonderful until after dinner. I didn't do my liquid diet, but was doing fine. Now I am netting like 1100 calories. Fucking fabulous. Trying to chill out. It could have been so much worse.

I hate myself right now. My weight is going to be up tomorrow. So no weigh ins until Monday. It's starve starve this weekend. That's right-I am finally going to restrict on a weekend.

Ok, I must confess. I just purged for like 20 minutes. I feel so much better although I know my weight will still be up tomorrow, but I know it's better in the long run.

On call tomorrow and Sunday. Please stab me. I hate being on call.

Hubby is out of town this weekend so Saturday I will be left to my own devices. I have been scheming about what I will do while he is gone. The whole restricting thing pretty much only leaves smoking. Hmm..not so wonderful but not so terrible. 

Let Me Count the Ways

Shit. I have really missed blogging. I was punishing myself until I got to 145. Not quite there (146---finally, again!!), but close enough.
Today:

Tall skinny iced caramel macchiatto with 2 extra shots of expresso (?100 calories)
Home made chicken "Caesar" salad (200 calories-I am intentionally over estimating)
Lean cuisine with extra veggies  (355 calories)
Chardonnay (335 calories)

Total = 990 calories

Exercise = 600

Net = 390 calories

I am ready to kill my friend. I know we are friends and I should be more loving but seriously?

She is engaged, and one of those Bridezilla types. Don't get me wrong as I am married too, but (not to be offensive) at the time (and still) I really didn't give a fuck about my wedding nor will I about anyone else's. So, her and her fiance are having 2 (yes I said 2) weddings. One in Europe (because apparently no one can come here) and one in the States. The one in the states is going to be Indian (as is her fiance), and she is so "devastated" because his parents are spending a fucking fortune, and dear little hunny bunny has minimal say in coordinating the wedding. So shut the fuck up already. Most people are lucky to get one nice wedding, and she's bitching about an extravagant second wedding?? Lets be honest...this is about wanting attention. I however, refuse to acknowledge this because I plan on not going to her wedding. I will be sick, or the car will break down at the last minute.....SOMETHING! Why do some people forget that weddings are suppose to be about loving another person, and not throwing a huge ass party for a bunch of people that will likely still find something to complain about (not to mention some won't even bring gifts). Yes I am ranting, but again-I really hate weddings.

Kay: Sweet Pea, I cannot be friends on Face Book until my hiatus ends which won't be until I am in the 130s, but I am trying very hard everyday. Even today because normally when I have wine I pig out, but not today.

I am chillaxin with some kava kava tea. Planning for a massage tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go back on a liquid diet. I am trying to do this every other day. I found these awesome juices (I will post brand some other time after I look again). The whole bottle is 540 calories so I just drink that all day and then go work out. It's awesome. No fuss no muss type of thing.

Good to be back. 

Miss Piggy

Yes, sadly I am referring to myself. I can't say my weight because I haven't been on the scale for a few days. Friday was my anniversary so I used it to as an excuse to be a disgusting pig, and stuff unhealthy food in my mouth. It's moments like this where I hate myself so much. I hate the complete and utter loss of control. I know losing weight is important to me. I am ashamed of how I look right now, and want to change. Sadly, I frequently lose sight of this which is when I hate myself the most.

There is a little bird that is always flying at the window at the back of our house. She taps with her beak, and then sits on the window sill looking into the house. She does it every day. What is she looking at? I use to think it was her reflection, but I am starting to doubt that. Not to be overly philosophical, but I can really relate to wanting something so bad that you have the same routine day after day. Unfortunately, even that little bird has more will power then myself.

So, no self loathing without a new plan. The new plan is juice diet for today and likely tomorrow. On Tuesday will probably do some solids, but plan to keep it very low cal. I bought these really great protein shakes. They are 110 calories per box, but have a ton of protein so you won't be starving. 

595 Calories

For the day, and I am going to bed super early to keep myself from eating.

I am in control. I am in control.

I didn't do the lemonade diet today. I think if I can keep my calorie counts down for tomorrow then I will resume it on Wednesday.

I didn't go to the gym today. Not going tomorrow because I am on call. Yuck!

Today I put on an old pair of work pants. They were so tight I was mortified. I some how kept myself from curling up in a fetal position and crying. It does make me wonder if I should start every day by putting on pants that are too small. My appetite immediately disintegrated. 

Master Cleanse Day 4

Weight today 147.7lbs. Not fabulous, but I blame the broccoli. I had broccoli again for dinner tonight, but thankfully it is all gone now. I didn't work out today, but I will tomorrow.

Today has totally sucked. I have sat around the house all fucking day. A little before noon I took an Oxyelite which made me so super shaky.....insane! Suppose to have laxie tea tonight, but I am too lazy to get up and make it right now. The night is young so cross your fingers.

Aside from that-I think for celebrity bodies that Gwen Stefani would be nice. Two kids and still looking good is pretty awesome. I don't have any kids, but I probably look like the old woman who lived in a shoe.

I have been watching the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movies (English dubbed because I am lazy)- they are awesome.

Also, Lady Gaga (I love working out to pop music) has charity bracelets for the recent Japanese tsunami so please contribute as they are only $5!!!

Master Cleanse Day 3

Ok, have stuck to lemonade all day. I know some would consider this cheating, but I am having broccoli for dinner. I can not throw it away.

Forgot to weigh myself before I got dressed this morning, but with my clothes and shoes I was 148 which I think is a good sign.

I realized earlier that I had not purged in a while. Prozac must be working.

Not much else to say as the lemonade diet makes life really boring. I did an hour of cardio today-yay!

Master Cleanse Day 2

Yay- weight down to 148. I am embarrassed to say that when I started yesterday I was 152. Super embarrassed actually. Dragged my ass to the gym today and burned 500+ calories which is awesome.  Today I finally understand the "control" over hunger. I have experienced it before, but not for a very long time. Today I was post-call and so tired I could die--not to mention starving hungry, but I didn't eat. Had some "lemonade", diet soda (I'm not detoxing), and water. Fabulous.

Didn't have any laxative tea yesterday. Got a little gift from the Alli I was taking before the cleanse. Yep, steatorrhea. Nice.........not! I should not even say steatorrhea. More like anal leakage. YUCK!!!  I have been taking Alli for like a month and a half without side effects, but I think this is related to the Master Cleanse and decrease in fiber. All the same D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G!!!!!!!!!

Ok- so drank the laxie tea today and praying for no more gifts from Alli.

I feel bad because I have healthy food in the fridge (veggies) that are going to expire before I am done with the lemonade diet.  I think I will throw them away tomorrow. All I would do is crap them out anyways. But still- fresh veggies aren't cheap, and I feel guilty. All the same, out of sight out of mind I guess.

I worked out on a new cardio machine at the gym today. It really kicked my ass.

Do you ever wonder if you could be any celebrity who you would be (based on looks only)? I can never decide.

All the same---think thin, don't binge, and don't graze. 

Master Cleanse-Day 1

It's 6 pm and I am feeling pretty beat. No real surprise. I still have more lemonade to drink, but instead I am laying in bed. Awful for my metabolism I know. I don't have too much to say. I'm not hungry, but I feel very tired. I did good at work. There was Subway sandwiches, but I lied and said that I had eaten a protein meal bar instead. It wasn't too much fun while everyone else pigged out on subs, chips, and cookies, but there was a part of me that felt great as I was truly in control for a change. 

I am using my friend as motivation to lose weight. She lost weight over the summer/fall with NutriSystem, and acts like she is the shit now. I am really competitive so this is good. I know it will drive her nuts when I am thinner than her, but she has been really annoying so it's like passive aggressive payback on my part.

I'm suppose to drink laxative tea tonight, but I'm not sure if I will be getting out of bed (except to go to the hospital if I get called in).

Will update you all tomorrow. 

Dollar Dollar Bills

Ok-desperate time call for desperate measures.

Which means I will start the Master Cleanse tomorrow (yes- on a call day. Believe it.) I have done this for about a week in the past. Not too fun. It's hard to pull off in public situations. I.E. my job.

At any rate that's what the plan is. Master cleanse until next Tuesday. After that I am making up my own diet. Regarding calories this is my plan per day:

1100

550

1000

500

1000

400

1000

300

I know 1000+ seems like a lot, but it's the average. PLUS- I think it will keep me from bingeing, and not trash my metabolism. AND- after the master cleanse I'll take any solids!!!


Potential pitfalls-

Working out: however, I have been questioning if I have too much muscle mass because for the amount I weigh I feel like I should wear a much larger size, but I wear size 6-8. Don't get me wrong- far from zero. However, muscle weighs more than fat. So, I don't want more fat, but maybe I need less muscle. I think my current work out schedule (5 days of 1 hour cardio and 2 days 1 hour yoga) will probably be a bit much. No more high intensity. I will still go to the gym, but need to take it super easy. Plus I will start lifting weights (triceps and shoulders only) as it will totally make my arms look better.

Work:

I need a fake food plan for work. We have a lunch meeting almost every day. The only thing I can think of is "salad". As in eat lettuce that has toppings (not cheese or dressing, but maybe lunch meat), and ignore the toppings. Also 50-60 calorie soup packets. If I add too much water it looks like a ton of soup. Especially the 60 calorie one because it is opaque.

Home:

Obviously, every other day won't be a problem. On problem days I think salad will work as well as whatever. Sadly, it's so easier to say I ate too much for lunch and the hubby will totally understand as he is very weight/appearance oriented about himself. He won't give me a hard time until I get into the one-teens. However, until then "hawla!!"

When I am alone:

The biggest challenge. I think the biggest help will be online video thinspo, and leaving my debit card at home. Can't stop and buy junk if you can't pay for it. I am lucky that if I have an emergency then I can call hubby.

Maybe next time I will rant about work some. We'll see. Either way, I have a real bride-zilla on my hands and go back and forth between stabbing her or stabbing myself. I am kidding of course, but I am sure you get my point.

Tuesday

Just a quick check in. Weight is up. 153 lbs. Fuck. I am on my period so I know that is a factor, but still.

Going to try to not weigh myself for the next 7 days, but I'm not sure if I am strong enough. I am to the point that I am afraid to get on the scale. I feel like no matter what I do my weight keeps going higher and higher.

Positive thoughts. I'm trying not to focus on how it is already March and I am still a fat ass.

On call again tomorrow. Yuck!

Baby I'm Ready to Go

Ok- weight not perfect, but at least back down to where I use to be. Probably fucking that up tonight, but I had a god awful day at work. Thank you very fucking much Dr. Bee-yotch.

All the same-wonderful to read everyones blog. About me- have been doing more than 1 hour of cardio a day without bingeing. Prozac is working ok I suppose, but probably too early to tell. Sadly, drinking booze tonight, but it's because of work shit. If I had a "regular" job, then I would quit tomorrow, but sadly it's more complicated than that :(   Fifteen more months....I can do it. I can be sane (pseudo-sane) for 15 months. I could go on and on about job shittiness  as I have barely scratched the surface, but I am hoping for resolution so I will hold off on bitching.

Hope everyone is doing well. I feel truly giddy to be back.

Sadly, I am on call tomorrow (yes again dammit!). Stole a bunch of sugar free Red Bull from work so that's good at least.

Happy to be back. Missed absolutely everyone. Wish my weight was lower, but at least it is what it was.
I love you all. I have missed everyone so much. I have been smiling as I typed! 

Pardon Me

I am taking a leave of absence from blogging. I have been too naughty, and using my blog to justify being bad. I have already been punishing myself, but thought it only fair to post a little blurb on the matter. I have  deactivated my Facebook account (for punishment), quit Netflix, and unsubscribed to HBO. I have decide that there shall be no luxuries while living at this weight except for going to the gym.

After tonight- I miss all of you, and your truly fabulous blogs but they are privileges that I am not entitled to right now. I think when I weigh 142-ish I will return.

Just to update quickly-had psych appointment last week. Lamictal (mood stabilizer) increased to max dose, and started on Prozac as me and Celexa are enemies. I told my psychiatrist about bingeing, but she never asked about purging. It's low and slow with the Prozac so I feel like a senior citizen. I generally don't like my psychiatrist and thought she would be very judgmental. However, my instability really brought out her good side. Makes me wonder if she thought I was faking up until now.

I miss you all already, but you are great motivation to succeed. 

What the Hell

Last night of vacation. I am going to drink a bunch of beer, eat pizza, and hate myself tomorrow. Yes, that's the booze talking.

Fuck it.

At least I'm rocking pin-up girl hair today, and 3 guys talked to me at the store (yes-I'm old and married).

I'm raising my glass to hating myself tomorrow. 

fasting today

ugh. i hate myself. major binge last night. too ashamed to share my weight. i feel sick.

fuck fuck fuck

stupid cardio. i was just so hungry. i'm shocked there is any food in the kitchen.i hate myself. i need to move past this or i am highly likely to do it again today. it's all good. lots of liquids today.

i feel bloated and disgusting. i wish i could pop myself with a pin and let all the extra fluid drain off. my stomach aches from all the processed garbage that i crammed into it last night.

i don't want this to be my fault. perhaps it's related to my psych appointment today. i absolutely hate going.  i think i will wear gym clothes to my appointment then go walking. try to un-do some of last night's damage.

i was really hoping to be 145 by tomorrow. i am such a stupid fool.

1,025 Calories

Burned at the gym today!!!

Weight this morning...a stubborn 146.4 lbs.

So, yes wish weight was better (much better), but glad it isn't higher since I'm on vacation and haven't been doing anything.....including fasting.

Appointment with psychiatrist tomorrow....ugh! 

Crap

Binge may not be the best word and I have not purged which I know is good (but god I want to). Regular feeding habits = FAT FAT FAT.

Ugh. My weight is going to be up a jillion (yes, a jillion is a real number) pounds tomorrow.

Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. I have a plan. I have had a plan which is why I subconsciously allowed my self to do this.

The plan- fast then fast then fast. Plus, cardio (please don't let me die, or worse pass out). Ha! Just kidding. My fat stores are more than worthy for fasting. Medically, I could probably fast 3-4 weeks without issue so long as I stay hydrated and took a multivitamin.

The mission:
                    Fast for at least 3 days
                    30-60 minutes at the gym daily
                    Drink 2L of water a day or more (sadly I had to put this down)
                    Do not b/p
                    No laxies (well-after today....oops)

Friday

Weight this morning 146.4 lbs. I want to be happy, but who can be happy about anything in the 140s? Or 130s for that matter. I feel like when I hit 129 that I will truly be pleased with my efforts. Until then every pound I lose is just a bitter reminder of every pound I gained.

I am less sick then I was a few days ago. We all know what that means. Yes, strong enough for b/p. I didn't really binge that much yesterday, but I purged practically everything. I feel shitty today because of it. Like a hang over. Headache. Dehydrated. Vile.

I am glad it's Friday. I start my vacation when I finish work today. No, I'm not doing anything or going anywhere. I was thinking about fasting since I don't have to be able to think clearly, but we'll see. I will probably sit around all day and read new ED blogs, and look at thinspo.

Contemplating trying diet pills. Not sure which to try. I don't want my hands to be too shaky. It's bad for business.

Sick Too!

Sorry for not posting. I have been sick since the start of the weekend. Weight this morning is 148.4 (yuck). The good thing about being sick is I feel to weak and crappy to b/p.

On call (AGAIN!) tomorrow. Will try to post more later this week. 

Nothing nice to say

148.8 lbs. Yay-still a fucking fat ass.

On call today and Sunday. I hate my job.

Small b/p last night. Whoops.

I need to call my psychiatrist and set up an appointment before I run out of meds. I don't feel like doing anything today. I feel so bitter. It is the weekend, and I want to be off from work. Instead I get to work all weekend and be sleep deprived. Just as well because all I feel like doing is drinking margaritas which have tons of calories.

Just ate a sandwich. Tried to purge which was rather disastrous...not enough liquids consumed. Had some salad after that....please let me keep it down. I don't want to touch up my make up a second time.

What can I say? I hate my life. 

It was behind the couch the whole time

My bad mood that is. I have been in a somewhat better mood until today. New rotation--blah! Weight is up (151!)--because I am a fat slob who can't say no to food.

On call today which means no cardio or yoga.  Lucky me gets to be on call again this weekend too. Fuck you very much.

I want to write more, but I feel so down in the dumps. I am so disappointed to be back in the 150s. Plus, I typically retain fluid when I am on call so weight will be even higher tomorrow. I know I shouldn't, but all I want to do right now is purge the frozen meal I had for dinner. I am strong--I can resist. I know it will intensify the killer headache I have had all day too.

On the bright side, post call tomorrow which means done from work at noon.

Vile

I will start off on a positive note--still 149 lbs this morning.

While that should not be good news it is given what a vile creature I was yesterday. Did good in the morning. Protein shake and 60 minutes of cardio. Then out for lunch where fat ass ate mediterranean food like it was my last meal before I die. Pita, chicken, beef, hummus, and baba ghanoush, and it was all slathered in olive oil. Dinner was ok- frozen diet meal. Doesn't sound too terrible. And then the drinking started......millions of calories from alcohol alone. Followed by a lot of b/p.

Why? I'm sure I will gain 5 when I weigh myself tomorrow morning. I'm just dehydrated today. Tried to go to the gym earlier, but they weren't open yet. I am going to run on my treadmill for at least 2 hours today. One hour like usual, and then an extra hour for punishment.

See ya soon. I have to clean. The house is filthy.

Finally

149 lbs. Still terrible, but finally out of the 150s. 4 lbs to go to my first reward.

Going to the gym this morning.

I have to be good this weekend. I cannot be back in the 150s. Weekends are the toughest for me as my husband is home.

Hope everyone is doing well. Got to go--the senna tea I drank last night is kicking in!

That's Just Fabulous...No Really!

152 this am. WTF?

Restricted all day except 3 cups of tea. Just hopped on the scale really quick 151.6

I'm trying to stay calm. Relax. Deep breath. I don't feel very calm. I feel really annoyed. I have been exceptionally good. Low calorie no b/p, and this is what my scale spits back at me today. I have decided to switch my upstairs scale (which is older) with my downstairs scale (newer) as I feel betrayed by my older scale. I should have gone downstairs and checked my weight, but I didn't and I just drank a lot of water and I'm not interested in seeing my weight up even more. I know water is good for me and has no calories so I refuse to feel discouraged about drinking it.

I hated weighing in the 140s, but I feel like I could crawl out of my skin being back in the 150s.

Planning to go to the gym tonight with my friend. I'm dreading it. I haven't eaten all day, and I am going to have to take it super easy or I will probably pass out. My friend has been driving me crazy, and I know she will annoy me more if I skip out on our "date." She will probably want to go to the Olive Garden afterwards. She has been nagging me all week. I wish she would except that it's going to be a cold day in hell before I go there. I'm sure I would gain 3 lbs by just walking through the door.

I got one of the nurses at work to give me a vitamin B12 shot today. Everyone talks about how great they are for energy. I hope that's true despite the lack of medical evidence to support it. It's raining here which means no walking the dogs. I decided yesterday that I would start running with them instead to burn more calories. Maybe it's good it's raining--I would feel bad if I fainted and the dogs ran off and were hit by a car.

Today I actually enjoyed working for a change. I got behind and didn't finish until 12 30 which sucked. I love chatting with people sometimes. It makes the time much more enjoyable. Some of my peeps are so crazy maybe that's why I like seeing them--I can relate better!

Thankful for the weekend. I am on call next weekend. Fucking hooray. I hate weekend call. 

Still 151. Hello Muffin Top

I have mixed feelings about 151 lbs today. On the one hand, I have not gained which is good because for a while thats all I have been doing. On the other hand, nothing starts off the day better than seeing weight loss. I need to be patient. I know I will not lose weight everyday, and cannot use that as an excuse to binge.


So far I have had slim fast (180) and "rice" with tempeh (155). Planning for light cardio this evening after work, and then will walk the dogs (I hope). Not sure about dinner yet. In my mind I think it would be fabulous to skip dinner all together, but know that will never happen.

My clothes are sadly rather ill fitting today, and I have a muffin top. Fabulous. Thank god for the white coat's ability to hide/disguise such ugliness. I hate that I got back up to 155. I know deep down that I have weighed more in the past. In undergrad my weight got up to 187 actually. I lost all that fat and got down in the 120s, and generally do not acknowledge that I ever weighed that much. After losing weight I slowly crept back up to 155 and lost it. Now I choose to look at 155 as my high weight because I am back, and I think I would self destruct and implode if I ever weighed more than 155 again. I was down in the 130s over the summer, but back to being a fat slob again. Cheers 151...I hope to never see you again.

Hang my head in shame then slightly lifting it

Confession--a couple of days ago my weight was back up to 155 :( Like so many I was so ashamed and disappointed. I made a brand new list of goals (see earlier post), and decided I needed to give b/p a rest, and really get back to restricting.

I am happy to report a weight of 151 lbs today which is absolutely disgusting, but less disgusting then 155 lbs.

Yesterday I finished the day around 700 calories. Not too shabby. So far I have had a piece of toast (130) and for lunch am having this super awesome "cauliflower rice" recipe that I saw on another blog. It's a massive serving with 150 calories. For dinner planning to have frozen meal which is 270. Which would put me at 550 for the day. I trying to not work out as much (I use to do an hour of cardio a day) because I can't sleep at night because I am too hungry. I really need decent rest because of my job. I'm going to aim for lower impact which I know burns less calories, but will help me avoid b/p.

I have been drinking a lot of peppermint tea, and sometimes put kava kava in it. It is so relaxing. I love it! Unfortunately, my house has gone back to being a dirty disaster. Hoping to clean some this evening. Last night I went to bed at 7 30 so I didnt have to look at it. Pretty pathetic I know.

Looking forward to weighing 145 (again). I think I might change my reward to a massage, but we'll see. I have to lose the weight first! I am contemplating taking "before" pictures, but I think they might put me in a deep depression.

I am OK

Just a quickie. I am ok despite my post yesterday. I was just very mad, and my anger was slightly (ok extremely) amplified by some chardonnay. Will post again in a bit.

C is for stabby

dammit dammit dammit. diet ok, but bloody mother fucking lip is un acceptable. I'll drink to that asshole. Tomorrow I will start to waste away....ha! where did she go???? ha! hell in  a hand cart! byotchhh!

Dig Your Own Hole

Shit. Holy shit. Holy mother fucking shit.

Today is the worst binge I have ever had....ever. I don't know what triggered it, and I don't know how I continued to spiral out of control.

I can list the foods, but I am too ashamed to list the quantities.

Not sure why I did this, My weight has been shit for days and days.

This is what I ate, unfortunately :(   :(   :(

protein shake, protein bar, starbucks coffee, turkey/cranberry/brie panini, hazelnut chocolate bar, chocolate donuts, chocolate donuts, chocolate donuts, beer, pizza, chocolate..........


fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I resolve to work out for two hours tomorrow morning, and restrict for the rest of the day...except for 1 slimfast shake and one diet meal = 270 calories.  That will be 450 intake and -1200 output. I am not a cutter, but I almost feel like I deserve it....again not a cutter and don't want to start. I have enough tattoos that I am always trying to hide.

_________________________________________

On a positive note--I think a tattoo shall be my reward for weight loss. First I will set up some realistic goals. Sorry to add that I have gained back all the weight I lost :( boo hoo

So-
145--case of sugar free Red Bull
140--mani/pedi
135--facial
130--New heart rate montitor
125--new bras/panties from Victoria Secret
120--Out with friends to strip club or trip to New York City
118--New wristlet by Coach, Michael Kors, or Juicy Couture
116--Teeth whitening
114--Christian Dior makeup
112--New jeans
110--New coat and designer purse
108--Laser hair removal
106--new tattoo
103--trip to Dublin, Ireland

I will succeed. I am more than this sack of fat. I am smart and intelligent and capable of overcoming my current disposition.

That said, I have yet to acknowledge my followers-I love you. I love you despite knowing you. You give me courage to persevere, and to hopefully succeed. I know I will have the occasional hiccup, however, I am extremely goal oriented, and I know I can do it.... we can all do it. We all know some super skinny person that barely eats, and we are just as capable as them. Today I will stop looking at my plate, and start focusing on my scale!

Hiatus

Things aren't going well so naturally neither is my diet.

Weight is up. I hate myself.

Took a 1 week leave of absence from work. Trying to sober up from all the evening drinking I had been doing. Had my shit together this morning until a little after lunch when I had second lunch. I regretted this so I purged. The ravenous feeling returned and I have been snacking all afternoon, but feel justified because I know I won't be ingesting all the alcohol calories. I fell  last night and have no memory of it. Hubby nicely said this morning it was time to take a "break" from drinking every evening. I agree. I hate myself.

So today, Slim Fast shake, frozen diet meal, another frozen diet meal, soup, purge, bread, peanut butter, chocolate...

I want to exercise today, but I'm not. I feel sore and achy from hiking over the weekend...and falling.

Contemplating the Master Cleanse

OK, I know I just wrote about 800 calories and blah blah blah, but ever since last night I have been thinking about the Master Cleanse/Lemonade diet. I have done it before, and I accept that one mostly loses water weight, but I am wondering if the weight loss would boost my morale. I will probably not do it because it's a hard thing to pull off at work.

So maybe I will stick to the 800 calorie thing for a while.

It's odd how we can love and hate food so much. I feel like I have lost control of myself, and now I despise the way I look. Everyday is a struggle to try to regain discipline and control.

Eight Hundred

Just checking in.

Weight is up. Thanks period.

My resolutions have been shit so far. Yesterday was mentally January 1st for me, and it's going well.

Purged lunch, and feeling pretty good about it. So, protein shake (170) for breakfast and soup (200) for lunch. I guess one could subtract some of the soup calories, but I'm not. So 370 so far.

My new thing is 800 calories a day and one hour of exercise minimum a day. Until I plateau then I will reevaluate. When I say 800 calories I feel like I could do less, but I am trying to avoid the ever dreadful binges that I know will happen with a 500 calorie diet.

Was on call on Friday and Sunday. It really sabotaged my eating. I can do better. We can all do better. I will not be fat by the summertime. 

Sushi

Why? Why did I buy the sushi knowing I would eat it, and knowing the calories?

While I was at the store today I walked by the sushi display, and for some dumb reason bought some. Even though I figured each piece was about 70 calories I proceeded to eat all 6 pieces. Why? After evaluating the wrapper I discovered I had just ingested 580 calories!

Why? Why? Why?

I did great for breakfast and fantastic for lunch. 450 calories for the day until the damn sushi.

Oh wait- it gets better. After coming to my senses about eating 600 calories of sushi I knew what had to be done. Oh yeah, purge. Purge fast. Kind of hard to do in the car when you are 40 minute away from home. Got home and cleaned the toilet (I have this little purging ritual that even if I have already cleaned the toilet twice that day that it must be cleaned before every purge), and then I tried and tried to get the vile calories out. Yes, I got some of the sushi out, but certainly not all of it. I am willing to say that conservatively I can figure 2-3 pieces were purged.

But my god! What a living hell. Yes, I am one of those people who drinks lots of water between bites when planning to purge. The food glides out in such a natural way that it's very efficient. There is nothing efficient or easy or anything remotely positive to say about throwing up something from almost an hour ago with minimal liquid ingestion. Now I understand why if this doesn't one day get better- that my teeth will erode. The acid taste was unimaginable. Not to mention that I know we all have our things we don't like to purge, but I will die before I repeat this as it was the grossest and most physically difficult purge ever.

Now I know some of you are thinking (and I don't blame you) something to the tune of "well duh," or "serves you right," or "I bet you won't binge again stupid." To all of these I have no response. I didn't want to eat 600 calories of sushi, and I have been around the calorie counting block too many times to play stupid. I didn't look at the calorie label first because subconsciously I didn't want to.  I have a Rubenesque  subconscious which is constantly sabotaging my conscience which desires to be waif-like.

So, fuck you sushi. I hate you and you're never coming back....I hope.

On a complete side note- I had never seen any of the Twilight movies until the past few days. We had dreadful weather, and I watched them on TV (except Eclipse). Wow, they are really good. I guess I understand all the hype now. Planning to watch Eclipse later today I hope. I totally get the whole team Edward and team Jacob thing now. Forgive me, but I practically do live under a rock with my current occupation. I'm not sure (as I have only seen the 1st two movies) which team I am for. Both guys are attractive in such opposite ways. I think for now I am team Edward because I really like Alice, and overall Edward has a way better family which has become more important to me as I have gotten older. Plus, even though he is thin he has awesome strength so even picking up a fat ass would be easy for him. Not to mention all the other pro Edward things. On the other hand- I know why Jacob only wears jean shorts all the time (something that is rather odd, yet delightful)...awesome body. Don't have to worry about Jacob's legs being skinnier then mine either, but not exactly wealthy so forget that Prada hand bag... Ha ha! Just kidding around, and welcoming you to my neurotic musings. All the same, the movies were great, and I am glad I have finally seen them. I bet Eclipse is great too.

Blah!

Just a quick post to bitch about how unproductive I have been this weekend. I have finally been able to catch up on sleep as I had the worst insomnia this past week, but have had zero motivation to do anything. As a result the house is a mess, dirty clothes every where, and so on.

I hate it when everything is a mess. It makes my mind feel chaotic, and is extremely triggering for me to binge. I feel like I might as well be the slob that my house represents.

Grr..back to work tomorrow.  At least I am done working with the super-ultra-obnoxious bitch I have  had to endure for the past few weeks.

OK-pulling myself together. Plan to do one hour cardio tomorrow and one hour of yoga. Also, finally found the "perfect portion" chicken breasts at the grocery store AND found 100 calorie belgian chocolate bars at Trader Joe. Yes, I am a frumpy fatso, but I am in control of my mouth...despite that I have no control over the mess that is my home.

Dammit

Did fabulous all day yesterday until had a spat with a coworker. As yoga was canceled yesterday I proceeded to drown my sorrows with red wine. This while it sounds awful is not too terrible because I did manage to get my fat ass on the elliptical for 45 minutes before finding out yoga had been canceled. So I basically used up the calories I had burned on booze.

But dammit if wine doesn't remind me how perpetually hungry I am. So, yes, I confess to a baby binge/ purge. Nothing too terrible, but still rather disappointing to confess. 2 mini Twix bars and some brie and goat cheese. I must note that this was quite a disgusting purge to experience.

Back on track today. 2 rice cakes for breakfast. One with a small amount of peanut butter, and the other with sugar free marmalade. Brussel sprouts, broccoli, and mash potatoes for lunch which I am disappointed to say the potatoes. It was a small amount and I really needed the energy.  Then frozen meal, spinach for dinner and low cal pudding for dessert.

So dammit wine. Dammit cheese. Dammit candy. And dammit potatoes.

However, to end on  a positive note- weight was down 1.5 lbs today. Go figure!

Anyone else tired?

Will try to post later today. I have been so tired.  I am downing a Red Bull (sugar free naturally) as I speak.

Started restricting today. Don't think that is why I am tired because today is only day one, and I have been tired for the past 5 days or so. Totally bombed over New Years, but am trying to not dwell on the past so I can succeed in the present. Ha ha! Sounds like bullshit, but we will see.

Breakfast: rice cracker (35) with 1/2 tbsp PB (50) and coffee with tiny bit of milk (30)

Lunch: hard boiled egg (70), low cal yogurt (50), and 2 rice cakes with hot sauce (70), Red Bull (10)

Dinner: planning for turkey breast (120) with some veggies (50)

Here's hoping for some success.