Pink Lemonade Party

I had been doing ok. Until yesterday when I ate a bunch of nachos for dinner. Right now I am doing a colonscopy prep. I'm not having a colonscopy, but just think that I would feel better with a clean colon. A fresh start kind of thing. I guess I could have done a salt water flush type of thing, but I think Crystal Light lemonade tastes much better than salt water.

I'm hoping to go to the gym later today so hopefully I will be able to leave the house.

I guess what sucks about the prep is that I have to drink like 2 liters of lemonade. I still have more left to drink, and am already tired of lemonade.

I feel like puking. I have drank so much so quickly :( I was trying to be done so I chugged and chugged and chugged. I have one glass left (a huge glass) to drink. If I vomit I am going to be pissed.

______________________________________________________

So, it's like 5+ hours later. I didn't puke. I was able to do 30 minutes of cardio at the gym before worrying I might shit myself so no yoga tonight. I would totally do this again (on a weekend). I am spotless on the inside. It's fabulous.

Tentative plan is liquid diet for the next 2 days then re-evaluate.

Time to say goodbye

Dear Mia,

I hate you. Please go away and do not come back. I hope you get herpes in your eye and die from it.

Go to hell,
Chickadee

Not sure exactly what I was thinking. If I was thinking at all.

So fuck me I just binged. Did wonderful until after dinner. I didn't do my liquid diet, but was doing fine. Now I am netting like 1100 calories. Fucking fabulous. Trying to chill out. It could have been so much worse.

I hate myself right now. My weight is going to be up tomorrow. So no weigh ins until Monday. It's starve starve this weekend. That's right-I am finally going to restrict on a weekend.

Ok, I must confess. I just purged for like 20 minutes. I feel so much better although I know my weight will still be up tomorrow, but I know it's better in the long run.

On call tomorrow and Sunday. Please stab me. I hate being on call.

Hubby is out of town this weekend so Saturday I will be left to my own devices. I have been scheming about what I will do while he is gone. The whole restricting thing pretty much only leaves smoking. Hmm..not so wonderful but not so terrible. 

Let Me Count the Ways

Shit. I have really missed blogging. I was punishing myself until I got to 145. Not quite there (146---finally, again!!), but close enough.
Today:

Tall skinny iced caramel macchiatto with 2 extra shots of expresso (?100 calories)
Home made chicken "Caesar" salad (200 calories-I am intentionally over estimating)
Lean cuisine with extra veggies  (355 calories)
Chardonnay (335 calories)

Total = 990 calories

Exercise = 600

Net = 390 calories

I am ready to kill my friend. I know we are friends and I should be more loving but seriously?

She is engaged, and one of those Bridezilla types. Don't get me wrong as I am married too, but (not to be offensive) at the time (and still) I really didn't give a fuck about my wedding nor will I about anyone else's. So, her and her fiance are having 2 (yes I said 2) weddings. One in Europe (because apparently no one can come here) and one in the States. The one in the states is going to be Indian (as is her fiance), and she is so "devastated" because his parents are spending a fucking fortune, and dear little hunny bunny has minimal say in coordinating the wedding. So shut the fuck up already. Most people are lucky to get one nice wedding, and she's bitching about an extravagant second wedding?? Lets be honest...this is about wanting attention. I however, refuse to acknowledge this because I plan on not going to her wedding. I will be sick, or the car will break down at the last minute.....SOMETHING! Why do some people forget that weddings are suppose to be about loving another person, and not throwing a huge ass party for a bunch of people that will likely still find something to complain about (not to mention some won't even bring gifts). Yes I am ranting, but again-I really hate weddings.

Kay: Sweet Pea, I cannot be friends on Face Book until my hiatus ends which won't be until I am in the 130s, but I am trying very hard everyday. Even today because normally when I have wine I pig out, but not today.

I am chillaxin with some kava kava tea. Planning for a massage tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go back on a liquid diet. I am trying to do this every other day. I found these awesome juices (I will post brand some other time after I look again). The whole bottle is 540 calories so I just drink that all day and then go work out. It's awesome. No fuss no muss type of thing.

Good to be back. 

Miss Piggy

Yes, sadly I am referring to myself. I can't say my weight because I haven't been on the scale for a few days. Friday was my anniversary so I used it to as an excuse to be a disgusting pig, and stuff unhealthy food in my mouth. It's moments like this where I hate myself so much. I hate the complete and utter loss of control. I know losing weight is important to me. I am ashamed of how I look right now, and want to change. Sadly, I frequently lose sight of this which is when I hate myself the most.

There is a little bird that is always flying at the window at the back of our house. She taps with her beak, and then sits on the window sill looking into the house. She does it every day. What is she looking at? I use to think it was her reflection, but I am starting to doubt that. Not to be overly philosophical, but I can really relate to wanting something so bad that you have the same routine day after day. Unfortunately, even that little bird has more will power then myself.

So, no self loathing without a new plan. The new plan is juice diet for today and likely tomorrow. On Tuesday will probably do some solids, but plan to keep it very low cal. I bought these really great protein shakes. They are 110 calories per box, but have a ton of protein so you won't be starving. 

595 Calories

For the day, and I am going to bed super early to keep myself from eating.

I am in control. I am in control.

I didn't do the lemonade diet today. I think if I can keep my calorie counts down for tomorrow then I will resume it on Wednesday.

I didn't go to the gym today. Not going tomorrow because I am on call. Yuck!

Today I put on an old pair of work pants. They were so tight I was mortified. I some how kept myself from curling up in a fetal position and crying. It does make me wonder if I should start every day by putting on pants that are too small. My appetite immediately disintegrated. 

Master Cleanse Day 4

Weight today 147.7lbs. Not fabulous, but I blame the broccoli. I had broccoli again for dinner tonight, but thankfully it is all gone now. I didn't work out today, but I will tomorrow.

Today has totally sucked. I have sat around the house all fucking day. A little before noon I took an Oxyelite which made me so super shaky.....insane! Suppose to have laxie tea tonight, but I am too lazy to get up and make it right now. The night is young so cross your fingers.

Aside from that-I think for celebrity bodies that Gwen Stefani would be nice. Two kids and still looking good is pretty awesome. I don't have any kids, but I probably look like the old woman who lived in a shoe.

I have been watching the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movies (English dubbed because I am lazy)- they are awesome.

Also, Lady Gaga (I love working out to pop music) has charity bracelets for the recent Japanese tsunami so please contribute as they are only $5!!!

Master Cleanse Day 3

Ok, have stuck to lemonade all day. I know some would consider this cheating, but I am having broccoli for dinner. I can not throw it away.

Forgot to weigh myself before I got dressed this morning, but with my clothes and shoes I was 148 which I think is a good sign.

I realized earlier that I had not purged in a while. Prozac must be working.

Not much else to say as the lemonade diet makes life really boring. I did an hour of cardio today-yay!

Master Cleanse Day 2

Yay- weight down to 148. I am embarrassed to say that when I started yesterday I was 152. Super embarrassed actually. Dragged my ass to the gym today and burned 500+ calories which is awesome.  Today I finally understand the "control" over hunger. I have experienced it before, but not for a very long time. Today I was post-call and so tired I could die--not to mention starving hungry, but I didn't eat. Had some "lemonade", diet soda (I'm not detoxing), and water. Fabulous.

Didn't have any laxative tea yesterday. Got a little gift from the Alli I was taking before the cleanse. Yep, steatorrhea. Nice.........not! I should not even say steatorrhea. More like anal leakage. YUCK!!!  I have been taking Alli for like a month and a half without side effects, but I think this is related to the Master Cleanse and decrease in fiber. All the same D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G!!!!!!!!!

Ok- so drank the laxie tea today and praying for no more gifts from Alli.

I feel bad because I have healthy food in the fridge (veggies) that are going to expire before I am done with the lemonade diet.  I think I will throw them away tomorrow. All I would do is crap them out anyways. But still- fresh veggies aren't cheap, and I feel guilty. All the same, out of sight out of mind I guess.

I worked out on a new cardio machine at the gym today. It really kicked my ass.

Do you ever wonder if you could be any celebrity who you would be (based on looks only)? I can never decide.

All the same---think thin, don't binge, and don't graze. 

Master Cleanse-Day 1

It's 6 pm and I am feeling pretty beat. No real surprise. I still have more lemonade to drink, but instead I am laying in bed. Awful for my metabolism I know. I don't have too much to say. I'm not hungry, but I feel very tired. I did good at work. There was Subway sandwiches, but I lied and said that I had eaten a protein meal bar instead. It wasn't too much fun while everyone else pigged out on subs, chips, and cookies, but there was a part of me that felt great as I was truly in control for a change. 

I am using my friend as motivation to lose weight. She lost weight over the summer/fall with NutriSystem, and acts like she is the shit now. I am really competitive so this is good. I know it will drive her nuts when I am thinner than her, but she has been really annoying so it's like passive aggressive payback on my part.

I'm suppose to drink laxative tea tonight, but I'm not sure if I will be getting out of bed (except to go to the hospital if I get called in).

Will update you all tomorrow. 

Dollar Dollar Bills

Ok-desperate time call for desperate measures.

Which means I will start the Master Cleanse tomorrow (yes- on a call day. Believe it.) I have done this for about a week in the past. Not too fun. It's hard to pull off in public situations. I.E. my job.

At any rate that's what the plan is. Master cleanse until next Tuesday. After that I am making up my own diet. Regarding calories this is my plan per day:

1100

550

1000

500

1000

400

1000

300

I know 1000+ seems like a lot, but it's the average. PLUS- I think it will keep me from bingeing, and not trash my metabolism. AND- after the master cleanse I'll take any solids!!!


Potential pitfalls-

Working out: however, I have been questioning if I have too much muscle mass because for the amount I weigh I feel like I should wear a much larger size, but I wear size 6-8. Don't get me wrong- far from zero. However, muscle weighs more than fat. So, I don't want more fat, but maybe I need less muscle. I think my current work out schedule (5 days of 1 hour cardio and 2 days 1 hour yoga) will probably be a bit much. No more high intensity. I will still go to the gym, but need to take it super easy. Plus I will start lifting weights (triceps and shoulders only) as it will totally make my arms look better.

Work:

I need a fake food plan for work. We have a lunch meeting almost every day. The only thing I can think of is "salad". As in eat lettuce that has toppings (not cheese or dressing, but maybe lunch meat), and ignore the toppings. Also 50-60 calorie soup packets. If I add too much water it looks like a ton of soup. Especially the 60 calorie one because it is opaque.

Home:

Obviously, every other day won't be a problem. On problem days I think salad will work as well as whatever. Sadly, it's so easier to say I ate too much for lunch and the hubby will totally understand as he is very weight/appearance oriented about himself. He won't give me a hard time until I get into the one-teens. However, until then "hawla!!"

When I am alone:

The biggest challenge. I think the biggest help will be online video thinspo, and leaving my debit card at home. Can't stop and buy junk if you can't pay for it. I am lucky that if I have an emergency then I can call hubby.

Maybe next time I will rant about work some. We'll see. Either way, I have a real bride-zilla on my hands and go back and forth between stabbing her or stabbing myself. I am kidding of course, but I am sure you get my point.

Tuesday

Just a quick check in. Weight is up. 153 lbs. Fuck. I am on my period so I know that is a factor, but still.

Going to try to not weigh myself for the next 7 days, but I'm not sure if I am strong enough. I am to the point that I am afraid to get on the scale. I feel like no matter what I do my weight keeps going higher and higher.

Positive thoughts. I'm trying not to focus on how it is already March and I am still a fat ass.

On call again tomorrow. Yuck!

Baby I'm Ready to Go

Ok- weight not perfect, but at least back down to where I use to be. Probably fucking that up tonight, but I had a god awful day at work. Thank you very fucking much Dr. Bee-yotch.

All the same-wonderful to read everyones blog. About me- have been doing more than 1 hour of cardio a day without bingeing. Prozac is working ok I suppose, but probably too early to tell. Sadly, drinking booze tonight, but it's because of work shit. If I had a "regular" job, then I would quit tomorrow, but sadly it's more complicated than that :(   Fifteen more months....I can do it. I can be sane (pseudo-sane) for 15 months. I could go on and on about job shittiness  as I have barely scratched the surface, but I am hoping for resolution so I will hold off on bitching.

Hope everyone is doing well. I feel truly giddy to be back.

Sadly, I am on call tomorrow (yes again dammit!). Stole a bunch of sugar free Red Bull from work so that's good at least.

Happy to be back. Missed absolutely everyone. Wish my weight was lower, but at least it is what it was.
I love you all. I have missed everyone so much. I have been smiling as I typed!