Monday, December 27, 2010

Lets talk about meds baby

Meds changed today.

Not sure what to make of it. Kind of feel like the doctor was feeling guilty for running an hour behind, and it was easier to play catch up by accepting my idea.

I keep thinking to myself, "she who treats herself has a fool for a doctor."

I am never pushy or forceful, but as I am a doctor, I normally express my thoughts. That being said, we never do what I say until today.

Too lazy to think for herself, or was I dead on?

I know, I know. Be happy. After all you got the changes you wanted.

Or did I? Is my psychiatrist accepting that I am Bipolar and possibly OCD with performance anxiety? Maybe, or maybe she is more concentrated on traveling to Pennsylvania then my stupid issues.

Either way. Mood stabilizer increased, so, yay for sure! SSRI added...kind of nervous. These can send some people with bipolar off the deep end. That being said-some do even better.

Refusing to start new med until tomorrow. Hoping for a better 2011 because they help though.

Going on vacation Wednesday so last post should be tomorrow.

Side note: I love you followers! I felt like I was doing this for me, and no one would read. You are like a surprise Christmas gift. I love you three more than you can imagine.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Auditory Hallucinations

OK, so I am laying in bed internet browsing when I realize I hear music. I am not the type of person who usually listens to music when I am alone in bed, but slowly my focus shifts to hearing this lullaby-esque type music. It was almost like there was an ice cream truck outside which seems highly unlikely since it's 10 30 at night and literally freezing outside.


I try not to be a hypochondriac as I know these types of hallucinations are pretty common, but still..

Very weird.

Of all things I wonder why lullaby music.

Had to read about it of course. I am feeling rather discouraged from my new found knowledge.

Maybe there was an ice cream truck...

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Senna Tea

Today I have had 4 cups of senna laxative tea...

I have not done this in a while, and not entirely sure what prompted the act today. I am sitting around waiting for the consequences. I guess I felt so bloated this morning that 1 cup lead to 2 lead to 3 and then 4. I'll be on the can all night I am sure. I guess it comes down to the fact that I am home by myself, and can do whatever I want. No need to be sneaky.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas. Aside from the senna tea I have been pretty miserable. I hate working, and I hate being on call.

Psychiatry appointment on Monday. I don't like my psychiatrist very much. She grates my nerves. I want to change my meds around, but if I suggest this then it probably won't happen. Some weird type of power struggle. I have not been to counseling in forever, but my schedule didn't really accommodate it. I kept going the day after I was on call, and I was so tired that all I would do is cry and speak incoherently. So I stopped going. I can cry at home for free, and save the $40 copay.

I hate mental illness. It seems unfair. If you eat right, and don't smoke, and blah blah blah then you will be generally healthy for most of your life. Mental illness seems to just happen. OK, I'll give you family history and environmental triggers, but still seems pretty unfair to me.

Friday, December 24, 2010

So it's Christmas

Yeah yeah it's Xmas. Doesn't really feel like it for me. Tomorrow I start a 48 hour work shift. Hubby is out of town. Restricting so far....but lets not kid ourselves as it never lasts.

Which brings me to New Years, and New Years resolutions. This year I have decided to be the Resolution Nazi. Sure, I know what you are thinking- "you don't even have the self control to not binge and purge." To which I counter, I am disciplined enough to be  a doctor.

Side note- for those of you tuning in I know there is some shock value that I am a doctor. Please try to remember this is a disease that knows no boundaries, and I had ED long before I was a doctor. So, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

So-I think I am up for the challenge. My resolutions are:

1. Lose 40 lbs. I don't care if I restrict or purge but so help me I will lose 40 lbs this year. My plan is to eat 800-900 calories every day in a planned out fashion to try to avoid "pitfalls" as I know you know what I mean.

2. Lift weights to improve the appearance of my shoulders. I refuse to hypertrophy any other muscles as this will cause weight gain. However, well developed shoulders will make all women look more elegant.

3. Stop cooking. I love to cook. I know this is a problem.

4. Pilates three times a week

5. Yoga twice a week

6. Run 3 miles in 27 minutes (it presently takes 32 minutes)

7. Learn to speak Spanish fluently. I have Rosetta Stone (computer Spanish lessons), and my goal is to do 1-2 lessons per week. !Muy bien!

8. Improve home organizations skills

9. Last but not least-and this is rather TMI....have sex at least 6 times a week. It's truly pathetic that the amount of sex dwindles with marriage. I refuse to except this, and I am fighting back!

So ladies and gentleman...start your engines as we are approaching a new year. A year where we don't have to hate ourselves and wish we were better. It's time to start over, and turn over a new leaf.

Tell our selves that this year it really will be better.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

off balance

the ever precarious balance of professional life and ED is not melding together so far.

That's right shitty day.

Followed by shitty afternoon.

I hate obese coworkers. That's right I am prejudice.

I despise people who skip out of work to be fat and lazy. Guess I have summed up my day. Well that drama plus 2 episodes of purging... gotta run. huuby is coming

Monday, December 20, 2010

December 20th

OK, the whole "fat on the bed thing" well forget it. Not going to happen. I am working on being in a better mood today. I have the afternoon off (yay!), and have put my gym clothes on and planning to do 2 hours of cardio. Threw up lunch. Not sure why because I didn't over eat, but I feel so much better now so no real regrets there.

I have noticed a lot of bloggers dreading Xmas. I am working this Xmas holiday :) another thing to be happy about.

Little bit worried about my BPD. I have had the urge to shop like crazy so keeping fingers crossed that I won't have a manic episode.

If I keep telling myself that I am happy then eventually I will believe it...right? 

Friday, December 17, 2010

Contemplations of a fat, stupid fuck

Welcome back to a "new" low. Binging??...yes,  just binging-no purging.  I refuse to purge when in public, and can't seem to get any privacy the past 2 days. I resolve to be "fat on the bed," please note this is a "Super Size Me" quote as this is one of my favorite documentaries for many reasons. I think I have seen all the food documentaries...not too surprising I know.

Not completely resigned to the philosophy mentioned above. This whole week has been shit. Aside from "soup and cake," I have eaten toast every morning. I thought I would try to expand my eating horizens and ascend my food "issues." Eating carbs didn't help any..I don't recommend it, and slapped my face several times today. Yo bitch! Wake up call!!

Yeah fucking right. Hello fat cow, hello over eater, hello frumpy dumpy yucky dumb ass.

What can be done I ask my glutinous self....what? Resolve- I tell myself. 'Tis the season of New Years' resolutions...I can do it and will do it. It's just damage control for the next 2 weeks.

FYI-Psychiatry appointment next I hate them/she. Yes label me then re-label me and drug me then re-drug me. No human is perfect...I bet my psychiatrist is divorced and her mother hates her. I know I can't prove it, but I'm a physician and I am much more fucked up than most.

Perhaps I should be saying, "would you like fries with that?"

Mother fucking cunts..I hate health care and I hate food, but I hate my dumb, stupid, fat, worthless self the most.

All the same Happy Holidays Love!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Soup and cake

So much for not purging.

It would be nice to make goals and stick to them for a change. I always find an excuse, and I don't now how many times I have said to myself that things will change starting tomorrow.

Grrr... I'm so sick of my disgusting self.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Suck it!

Despite my shitty call night last night I am in a fabulous mood. I am still trying to settle into the anonymity of this blog. Previously, I had a more open and public blog and even though I deleted it- I am frequently super paranoid that someone will figure out it is me. I think this must be some type of progression because I have read enough other ED blogs to recognize this as a common thread.

On that note. I really want to wear some type of ED bracelet. Mostly so I can be reminded during the day of my rationale towards food, and my goals. Sadly, I am too afraid. I have been considering making my "own" ED bracelet. After all, I don't want to be identified even though I would love the company. Being a health care worker would make it extremely awkward. I have only met one bulimic during my career (yeah yeah- I'm so seasoned in my profession!). It was odd because I really related to her, but had to give her the "lecture" that my career mandates. It's funny because I frequently meet extremely obese people. I always assume (yes, I accept this is wrong and judgmental of me) that they just binge-binge-binge. Ironically, this is probably not true as they all swear "I hardly eat anything," or "I barely eat." Yeah fucking right I think. Last time I checked a calorie was a calorie, and hypothyroidism and genetic obesity are pretty fucking uncommon.

I hate them. I hate all the fat people I have to see. They don't care and they do nothing. I shouldn't even say fat people. Most fat people are trying to do something (myself included), but rather obese people. I know this is cruel, but I wish medicine could ignore them and let Darwin/evolution run it's course.

However, I know this is cruel. I could never look an obese person in the eyes and say it. Also, if I had an obese family member I would never think this. I know obesity is as much as an eating disorder as anorexia, bulimia, and all forms of ED-NOS. Maybe I am just pissed that obesity is socially acceptable. God forbid you want to starve yourself to death, but if you want to overeat until you die then the medical community won't make you seek psychological/psychiatric care-instead they will just call you fat and make money off your medical problems. Go figure. If there was more money to be made off of anorexia and bulimia then I bet we would see a huge decline in social stigma.

Ok, Chickadee will now step off the health care soap box. Lets talk about today.

Today I decided to give the whole 800 calories thing a try (please see previous post). So even though at most I only go for 1/4 cup (dry initially) oatmeal today i decide to break out the full 1/2 cup oats cooked for a total of 150 calories. Living the high life. Until...

Lunch finally rolled around, and I was done with seeing patients and since I was on call last night (sucky call night by the way!) I was done at this time. Totally contemplated chewing and spitting whatever the fuck I wanted.This is usually extremely appealing as I generally do not allow much processed food in my "regular" diet. Contemplated and finally settled on super processed fatty canned soup and super processed canned pasta.

What can I say? I grew up rather poor. These are the delicacies of my childhood (sadly). It's hard for me to believe I was underweight as a young child, but I guess I had some sense then. Typically, there is an extreme lack of processed food in my personal diet. I (and hubby) spend a fortune on fresh and healthy foods, and I am predominately vegan (yeah yeah I hear you, but it was initially for environmental reasons). However, I don't punish my husband with my craziness so there is still processed food in the house.

My plan-eat nasty soup and canned pasta, and purge. Pathetic? Absolutely! Did I have a good time (before the purge)? In fact I did. I did not obsessively eat as I knew I was planning to remove the food from my body. I chewed ( as much as one can) and savored (ditto) the forbidden fruit I ingested. Afterward, the purging was the best I have ever experienced.

Purging (although I frequently imbibe-don't get me wrong) for me is typically a mind against body experience. This, however, was not the case today. The food glided up from my stomach and into the toilet with far less effort then my typical purge. I could have theoretically done this five times today- it went that well.

I despise the food I ate, but it's hard not to accept this as some type of sign.

Don't worry. I learned my lesson this evening. I made my fancy nacho salad (self made and low cal). After all, I was on call last night/this morning, vomited (I much prefer the word purge to vomit-*note to self*) lunch, and felt on top of the world so to speak. I felt so good (high you could say) from before that I decided there was no harm to return this meal to the toilet.

Yeah, didn't exactly go so well. Got the food up, but the word "glide" has absolutely no place in this circumstance.

My condolence prize has been a bottle of sparkling wine. Yes- I can hear your thoughts.."why did you bother puking just to drink alcohol?" Two reasons on that- 1) the last binge/purge was fucking brutal, and 2) hubby is coming home tomorrow so might as well have my last hoorah!

I am a sick shit. I always weigh myself before a binge (and probable purge). That way I know how much to rid myself of to get back to where I was. Sadly, tonight I forgot to weigh in at the beginning of the night so when I was ready to release the vileness inside my body I was disappointed that I did not know the starting point. So I used my morning weight (145 lbs...stupid fat fuck that I am). Did "my thing" and when I was done I was 142 lbs.

Finally progress. I am sure I will be back up to 145 in the morning because I am neither friends with god nor the devil.

So, hopefully will be back to a pure lifestyle this weekend. Hubby home tomorrow night (please be good in the evening!) Goals- no booze, no junk (so no purging), yes to black coffee, exercise, and chores.

I am capable of losing weight. I will lose weight. I will not be another fat fuck walking around the store. I'm sorry, but I despise fat. I guess that's why I am a self hater.

**Just read my post- I can't believe I started out with "I am in a fabulous mood, " but I really am in a good mood.

Let's get the weight loss started. No more room for fat asses.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Got done with work super early today. Thought I would work out since I am on call. I never work out when I am on call. I guess I could, but my mental state is shit (or shittier then usual I should say). That being said, I really thought I would work out, but never made it to the gym.

Feeling super shitty about all the food I ate last night. Mac and cheese, beer, peanut butter, ice cream (which I never eat!), chips, and cookies. At least I didn't eat the whole package of these foods, but still...I hardly ever eat this crap. Except peanut butter. I love peanut butter. On the last leg of my binge I threw all the left overs away. I forgot I threw the peanut butter away until I went to the fridge and it was gone. I'll give my piggish, fat, pathetic self credit for throwing away the peanut butter. I'm going to try really hard not to buy anymore. I hate that I like peanut butter so much. I also hate that I am not a picky eater. Life would be simpler if I didn't have a mouth like a trash can. Today I threw away more food. I feel guilty for wasting it, but I can't eat it if it's not there. Good-bye cheese, bread, and lunch meat!

I wore scrubs to work today. Too fat to face my normal work clothes. Looking in the mirror this morning I fixated on my bloated stomach, fat thighs, humongous arms, and horrific double chin. I have never been skinny skinny. Now I am to the point that I can't stand being in my own skin. I feel like the poster girl for the word frumpy.

Doing better today.
~400 Calories and all very low sodium.

Sitting here thinking about chewing and spitting some type of forbidden food. Yes, that's another one of my nasty little habits.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Knowing is Half the Battle.

I know I just posted, however, found this on Wikipedia (yes I know that isn't a credible source so stuff it already!). In regard to fasting:

Therapeutic application

Prolonged fasting also has a long, albeit controversial, history as a form of medical treatment. Since the 1900s, hundreds of thousands of human fasts have been supervised and recorded. There are also recent studies on mice that show that fasting every other day while eating double the normal amount of food on non-fasting days can lead to improved insulin and blood sugar control, neuronal resistance to injury, and general health indicators. Punctuated fasting diets produced superior improvements compared with mice on 40% calorie restricted diets.[44][45] Alternate-day calorie restriction may prolong lifespan[46] and attenuate diseases associated with inflammation, oxidative stress and aging.[47] Fasting has been shown to be an effective treatment for hypertension. [48]

Many fasting protocols are used by integrative medicine practitioners as part of alleged detoxification or cleansing diets.

Fasting can be dangerous when the body is not able to perform gluconeogenesis. If the body is not in ketosis, then the brain and vital organs (which can burn either glucose or ketones) need 800 calories a day to have ample glucose. If less than 800 calories a day are consumed, the brain and vital organs are deprived of necessary glucose, causing damage and in some cases, death. Ideally these diets should be supervised by health care practitioners with who are experienced with therapeutic fasts.[49] Thus, fasting is only safe when the body enters and remains in ketosis during the fast.

Not too sure how I feel about 800 calories. I know it is logical and feasible, but it seems like a ton of calories. In addition to no sodium and low/no fat- I will consider ingesting 800 calories. After all, I have been restricting for days, and gained weight today!! Fuckers.

Where did my good mood go?

I am not exactly the most positive person one could encounter. However, my recent mood status is shit. I am always in a foul and irritable mood. I think I will need to get my psychiatrist to up my bipolar meds. I cringe to think I hate my job this much, but at the same time I know my job sucks. If I knew then what I know now then I never would have taken my present job. I am on too often, and I hate my bosses for the most part. I am predominately bored all day, and when that isn't the case then I am just irritated.

Didn't go to the gym or yoga tonight. Not really sure why. I think it might have been the cold weather, but I really think it was the snide comment my preceptor said when I was leaving. Stupid bitch. Some days I really hate medicine. It's like every doctor has to be right, but we all know everyone can't be right and someone must be wrong, or at least "less right."

Today I saw some of the most obese people I have ever seen. They were so fat that their legs had swelled from severe lymphedema (google it-it's nasty). They smelled, and were so fat and swollen that they couldn't even walk. I know I should have more compassion, but I am so overworked and under payed that all I could think about is how lazy does one have to be to get that fat? How can people stand to smell so bad? Pathetic.

Weight was way up this morning...148. I am pissed, and ultimately know this is why I had a bad day. I think I had too much salt yesterday. Sadly, I am not that old, but sodium can now wreak havoc on my weight. I must reform my diet so starting tomorrow no more foods with a lot of sodium. This sucks because I find broth very filling yet low calorie (5 calories!). I have some no-sodium broth packets, but they don't taste as well. Tomorrow I will also start eating no/low fat. I have always excepted a calorie is a calorie, but not after today.

I am on call tomorrow (again!). I am so sick of being shit on. Out of the past 4 weekends I had to work 3. I am finally off this weekend, but still have call tomorrow. I hate my job.

Still fat and could argue fatter, but I know it's fluid retention. Stupid fat-that's what makes one prone to fluid retention.

Psych appointment at the end of the month. Can't get here soon enough. I think mood stabilizer needs to be increased, and I need an anxiolytic prescribed.

Calories today = too many. Dammit. Promised not to purge, and not mentally up to the task right now.

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Maiden Post

Wow, so this is it! I have read and followed so many Pro-Ana, Mia, ED blogs before, and now I have my own. I'm happy. I need this. It sounds strange (in my mind) to say I need something. I work in a field where I am suppose to be fearless and they say in my line of work, "a phone call is a sign of weakness." However, here I am, being me...weak, anxious, and insecure. I love it!

So, my mission (as I have chosen to accept it) is to continue my pro-ED stance. Yes I know proana, and blah blah blah, but when you get down to it we are all talking about chaotic eating/relationships with food and body. On that note, I welcome everyone-the anorexics, the bulimics, the bingers, and what have you. Yes, we are all different, but somehow we are so similar. However, you judgmental pieces of shit can shut it! We don't post on your blogs so don't post on mine. We all know you are some ugly douche bag that nobody likes so please just accept it. I know we have.

So, ta-daa! My maiden post. I feel obligated to talk about my goals. Once upon a time I was skinnier, and slowly became much fatter to the tune of 187. Imagine my dismay when I stepped on the scale to see my weight so much closer to the 200 lb mark then it had ever been. At the time, I blamed this moment on ambition, and my drive to go to medical school. I was to busy to eat right and I was too busy to exercise. I think back to this time and laugh. That was the most free time I ever had-since high school at least.

Don't get me wrong, I knew ED before medical school, but we had a more casual relationship. Friends with benefits if you know what I mean. ED was there for me if/when I needed it, but generally we had a very symbiotic relationship of rules and consequences.

Medical school brought ED back with a passion. STRESS...ED loves stress. First ED suggested I starve, and I did. From 165 to 130 in one semester. I never got too low, but by the end of second year was down in the 120s, but partaking in quite a chaotic diet.

Fast forward again-intern year of residency. Lets talk about misery. Weight went up in 4th year of medical school...aka the year of happiness. Imagine going from Disney Land to Afghanistan- that is the only comparison I can make between 4th medical school and internship year of residency.

Welcome back ED, or rather Ana. There is no time to eat anyway, and you feel like shit no matter what. Is it my blood sugar? Doubtful. Ana and I were friends once upon a time, but this time I could only handle her in a 9-5 sort of way. Off hours I was totally Mia. I like Mia, but she is like the person you go shopping with when your BFF is busy. Not necessarily your first choice, but it's better than nothing.

So, here I am fat, fat, and fat. Plus I am so stressed I feel on the verge of a melt down every other day. My eating habits have gone back to their old ways about three weeks ago, and everyone's blogs have given me the strength to go on. I love ED. It is always there for me when the stress piles on. Some say it's all about control, and I agree.

I am a control freak.

Calories eaten today 485


Plan to post this evening, but too excited to leave this spot blank all day!