Monday, January 31, 2011

C is for stabby

dammit dammit dammit. diet ok, but bloody mother fucking lip is un acceptable. I'll drink to that asshole. Tomorrow I will start to waste away....ha! where did she go???? ha! hell in  a hand cart! byotchhh!

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Dig Your Own Hole

Shit. Holy shit. Holy mother fucking shit.

Today is the worst binge I have ever had....ever. I don't know what triggered it, and I don't know how I continued to spiral out of control.

I can list the foods, but I am too ashamed to list the quantities.

Not sure why I did this, My weight has been shit for days and days.

This is what I ate, unfortunately :(   :(   :(

protein shake, protein bar, starbucks coffee, turkey/cranberry/brie panini, hazelnut chocolate bar, chocolate donuts, chocolate donuts, chocolate donuts, beer, pizza, chocolate..........

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I resolve to work out for two hours tomorrow morning, and restrict for the rest of the day...except for 1 slimfast shake and one diet meal = 270 calories.  That will be 450 intake and -1200 output. I am not a cutter, but I almost feel like I deserve it....again not a cutter and don't want to start. I have enough tattoos that I am always trying to hide.


On a positive note--I think a tattoo shall be my reward for weight loss. First I will set up some realistic goals. Sorry to add that I have gained back all the weight I lost :( boo hoo

145--case of sugar free Red Bull
130--New heart rate montitor
125--new bras/panties from Victoria Secret
120--Out with friends to strip club or trip to New York City
118--New wristlet by Coach, Michael Kors, or Juicy Couture
116--Teeth whitening
114--Christian Dior makeup
112--New jeans
110--New coat and designer purse
108--Laser hair removal
106--new tattoo
103--trip to Dublin, Ireland

I will succeed. I am more than this sack of fat. I am smart and intelligent and capable of overcoming my current disposition.

That said, I have yet to acknowledge my followers-I love you. I love you despite knowing you. You give me courage to persevere, and to hopefully succeed. I know I will have the occasional hiccup, however, I am extremely goal oriented, and I know I can do it.... we can all do it. We all know some super skinny person that barely eats, and we are just as capable as them. Today I will stop looking at my plate, and start focusing on my scale!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Things aren't going well so naturally neither is my diet.

Weight is up. I hate myself.

Took a 1 week leave of absence from work. Trying to sober up from all the evening drinking I had been doing. Had my shit together this morning until a little after lunch when I had second lunch. I regretted this so I purged. The ravenous feeling returned and I have been snacking all afternoon, but feel justified because I know I won't be ingesting all the alcohol calories. I fell  last night and have no memory of it. Hubby nicely said this morning it was time to take a "break" from drinking every evening. I agree. I hate myself.

So today, Slim Fast shake, frozen diet meal, another frozen diet meal, soup, purge, bread, peanut butter, chocolate...

I want to exercise today, but I'm not. I feel sore and achy from hiking over the weekend...and falling.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Contemplating the Master Cleanse

OK, I know I just wrote about 800 calories and blah blah blah, but ever since last night I have been thinking about the Master Cleanse/Lemonade diet. I have done it before, and I accept that one mostly loses water weight, but I am wondering if the weight loss would boost my morale. I will probably not do it because it's a hard thing to pull off at work.

So maybe I will stick to the 800 calorie thing for a while.

It's odd how we can love and hate food so much. I feel like I have lost control of myself, and now I despise the way I look. Everyday is a struggle to try to regain discipline and control.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Eight Hundred

Just checking in.

Weight is up. Thanks period.

My resolutions have been shit so far. Yesterday was mentally January 1st for me, and it's going well.

Purged lunch, and feeling pretty good about it. So, protein shake (170) for breakfast and soup (200) for lunch. I guess one could subtract some of the soup calories, but I'm not. So 370 so far.

My new thing is 800 calories a day and one hour of exercise minimum a day. Until I plateau then I will reevaluate. When I say 800 calories I feel like I could do less, but I am trying to avoid the ever dreadful binges that I know will happen with a 500 calorie diet.

Was on call on Friday and Sunday. It really sabotaged my eating. I can do better. We can all do better. I will not be fat by the summertime. 

Thursday, January 13, 2011


Why? Why did I buy the sushi knowing I would eat it, and knowing the calories?

While I was at the store today I walked by the sushi display, and for some dumb reason bought some. Even though I figured each piece was about 70 calories I proceeded to eat all 6 pieces. Why? After evaluating the wrapper I discovered I had just ingested 580 calories!

Why? Why? Why?

I did great for breakfast and fantastic for lunch. 450 calories for the day until the damn sushi.

Oh wait- it gets better. After coming to my senses about eating 600 calories of sushi I knew what had to be done. Oh yeah, purge. Purge fast. Kind of hard to do in the car when you are 40 minute away from home. Got home and cleaned the toilet (I have this little purging ritual that even if I have already cleaned the toilet twice that day that it must be cleaned before every purge), and then I tried and tried to get the vile calories out. Yes, I got some of the sushi out, but certainly not all of it. I am willing to say that conservatively I can figure 2-3 pieces were purged.

But my god! What a living hell. Yes, I am one of those people who drinks lots of water between bites when planning to purge. The food glides out in such a natural way that it's very efficient. There is nothing efficient or easy or anything remotely positive to say about throwing up something from almost an hour ago with minimal liquid ingestion. Now I understand why if this doesn't one day get better- that my teeth will erode. The acid taste was unimaginable. Not to mention that I know we all have our things we don't like to purge, but I will die before I repeat this as it was the grossest and most physically difficult purge ever.

Now I know some of you are thinking (and I don't blame you) something to the tune of "well duh," or "serves you right," or "I bet you won't binge again stupid." To all of these I have no response. I didn't want to eat 600 calories of sushi, and I have been around the calorie counting block too many times to play stupid. I didn't look at the calorie label first because subconsciously I didn't want to.  I have a Rubenesque  subconscious which is constantly sabotaging my conscience which desires to be waif-like.

So, fuck you sushi. I hate you and you're never coming back....I hope.

On a complete side note- I had never seen any of the Twilight movies until the past few days. We had dreadful weather, and I watched them on TV (except Eclipse). Wow, they are really good. I guess I understand all the hype now. Planning to watch Eclipse later today I hope. I totally get the whole team Edward and team Jacob thing now. Forgive me, but I practically do live under a rock with my current occupation. I'm not sure (as I have only seen the 1st two movies) which team I am for. Both guys are attractive in such opposite ways. I think for now I am team Edward because I really like Alice, and overall Edward has a way better family which has become more important to me as I have gotten older. Plus, even though he is thin he has awesome strength so even picking up a fat ass would be easy for him. Not to mention all the other pro Edward things. On the other hand- I know why Jacob only wears jean shorts all the time (something that is rather odd, yet delightful)...awesome body. Don't have to worry about Jacob's legs being skinnier then mine either, but not exactly wealthy so forget that Prada hand bag... Ha ha! Just kidding around, and welcoming you to my neurotic musings. All the same, the movies were great, and I am glad I have finally seen them. I bet Eclipse is great too.

Sunday, January 9, 2011


Just a quick post to bitch about how unproductive I have been this weekend. I have finally been able to catch up on sleep as I had the worst insomnia this past week, but have had zero motivation to do anything. As a result the house is a mess, dirty clothes every where, and so on.

I hate it when everything is a mess. It makes my mind feel chaotic, and is extremely triggering for me to binge. I feel like I might as well be the slob that my house represents.

Grr..back to work tomorrow.  At least I am done working with the super-ultra-obnoxious bitch I have  had to endure for the past few weeks.

OK-pulling myself together. Plan to do one hour cardio tomorrow and one hour of yoga. Also, finally found the "perfect portion" chicken breasts at the grocery store AND found 100 calorie belgian chocolate bars at Trader Joe. Yes, I am a frumpy fatso, but I am in control of my mouth...despite that I have no control over the mess that is my home.

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Did fabulous all day yesterday until had a spat with a coworker. As yoga was canceled yesterday I proceeded to drown my sorrows with red wine. This while it sounds awful is not too terrible because I did manage to get my fat ass on the elliptical for 45 minutes before finding out yoga had been canceled. So I basically used up the calories I had burned on booze.

But dammit if wine doesn't remind me how perpetually hungry I am. So, yes, I confess to a baby binge/ purge. Nothing too terrible, but still rather disappointing to confess. 2 mini Twix bars and some brie and goat cheese. I must note that this was quite a disgusting purge to experience.

Back on track today. 2 rice cakes for breakfast. One with a small amount of peanut butter, and the other with sugar free marmalade. Brussel sprouts, broccoli, and mash potatoes for lunch which I am disappointed to say the potatoes. It was a small amount and I really needed the energy.  Then frozen meal, spinach for dinner and low cal pudding for dessert.

So dammit wine. Dammit cheese. Dammit candy. And dammit potatoes.

However, to end on  a positive note- weight was down 1.5 lbs today. Go figure!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Anyone else tired?

Will try to post later today. I have been so tired.  I am downing a Red Bull (sugar free naturally) as I speak.

Started restricting today. Don't think that is why I am tired because today is only day one, and I have been tired for the past 5 days or so. Totally bombed over New Years, but am trying to not dwell on the past so I can succeed in the present. Ha ha! Sounds like bullshit, but we will see.

Breakfast: rice cracker (35) with 1/2 tbsp PB (50) and coffee with tiny bit of milk (30)

Lunch: hard boiled egg (70), low cal yogurt (50), and 2 rice cakes with hot sauce (70), Red Bull (10)

Dinner: planning for turkey breast (120) with some veggies (50)

Here's hoping for some success.