Monday, February 28, 2011

Pardon Me

I am taking a leave of absence from blogging. I have been too naughty, and using my blog to justify being bad. I have already been punishing myself, but thought it only fair to post a little blurb on the matter. I have  deactivated my Facebook account (for punishment), quit Netflix, and unsubscribed to HBO. I have decide that there shall be no luxuries while living at this weight except for going to the gym.

After tonight- I miss all of you, and your truly fabulous blogs but they are privileges that I am not entitled to right now. I think when I weigh 142-ish I will return.

Just to update quickly-had psych appointment last week. Lamictal (mood stabilizer) increased to max dose, and started on Prozac as me and Celexa are enemies. I told my psychiatrist about bingeing, but she never asked about purging. It's low and slow with the Prozac so I feel like a senior citizen. I generally don't like my psychiatrist and thought she would be very judgmental. However, my instability really brought out her good side. Makes me wonder if she thought I was faking up until now.

I miss you all already, but you are great motivation to succeed. 

Friday, February 25, 2011

What the Hell

Last night of vacation. I am going to drink a bunch of beer, eat pizza, and hate myself tomorrow. Yes, that's the booze talking.

Fuck it.

At least I'm rocking pin-up girl hair today, and 3 guys talked to me at the store (yes-I'm old and married).

I'm raising my glass to hating myself tomorrow. 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

fasting today

ugh. i hate myself. major binge last night. too ashamed to share my weight. i feel sick.

fuck fuck fuck

stupid cardio. i was just so hungry. i'm shocked there is any food in the kitchen.i hate myself. i need to move past this or i am highly likely to do it again today. it's all good. lots of liquids today.

i feel bloated and disgusting. i wish i could pop myself with a pin and let all the extra fluid drain off. my stomach aches from all the processed garbage that i crammed into it last night.

i don't want this to be my fault. perhaps it's related to my psych appointment today. i absolutely hate going.  i think i will wear gym clothes to my appointment then go walking. try to un-do some of last night's damage.

i was really hoping to be 145 by tomorrow. i am such a stupid fool.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

1,025 Calories

Burned at the gym today!!!

Weight this morning...a stubborn 146.4 lbs.

So, yes wish weight was better (much better), but glad it isn't higher since I'm on vacation and haven't been doing anything.....including fasting.

Appointment with psychiatrist tomorrow....ugh! 

Sunday, February 20, 2011


Binge may not be the best word and I have not purged which I know is good (but god I want to). Regular feeding habits = FAT FAT FAT.

Ugh. My weight is going to be up a jillion (yes, a jillion is a real number) pounds tomorrow.

Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. I have a plan. I have had a plan which is why I subconsciously allowed my self to do this.

The plan- fast then fast then fast. Plus, cardio (please don't let me die, or worse pass out). Ha! Just kidding. My fat stores are more than worthy for fasting. Medically, I could probably fast 3-4 weeks without issue so long as I stay hydrated and took a multivitamin.

The mission:
                    Fast for at least 3 days
                    30-60 minutes at the gym daily
                    Drink 2L of water a day or more (sadly I had to put this down)
                    Do not b/p
                    No laxies (well-after today....oops)

Friday, February 18, 2011


Weight this morning 146.4 lbs. I want to be happy, but who can be happy about anything in the 140s? Or 130s for that matter. I feel like when I hit 129 that I will truly be pleased with my efforts. Until then every pound I lose is just a bitter reminder of every pound I gained.

I am less sick then I was a few days ago. We all know what that means. Yes, strong enough for b/p. I didn't really binge that much yesterday, but I purged practically everything. I feel shitty today because of it. Like a hang over. Headache. Dehydrated. Vile.

I am glad it's Friday. I start my vacation when I finish work today. No, I'm not doing anything or going anywhere. I was thinking about fasting since I don't have to be able to think clearly, but we'll see. I will probably sit around all day and read new ED blogs, and look at thinspo.

Contemplating trying diet pills. Not sure which to try. I don't want my hands to be too shaky. It's bad for business.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Sick Too!

Sorry for not posting. I have been sick since the start of the weekend. Weight this morning is 148.4 (yuck). The good thing about being sick is I feel to weak and crappy to b/p.

On call (AGAIN!) tomorrow. Will try to post more later this week. 

Friday, February 11, 2011

Nothing nice to say

148.8 lbs. Yay-still a fucking fat ass.

On call today and Sunday. I hate my job.

Small b/p last night. Whoops.

I need to call my psychiatrist and set up an appointment before I run out of meds. I don't feel like doing anything today. I feel so bitter. It is the weekend, and I want to be off from work. Instead I get to work all weekend and be sleep deprived. Just as well because all I feel like doing is drinking margaritas which have tons of calories.

Just ate a sandwich. Tried to purge which was rather disastrous...not enough liquids consumed. Had some salad after that....please let me keep it down. I don't want to touch up my make up a second time.

What can I say? I hate my life. 

Monday, February 7, 2011

It was behind the couch the whole time

My bad mood that is. I have been in a somewhat better mood until today. New rotation--blah! Weight is up (151!)--because I am a fat slob who can't say no to food.

On call today which means no cardio or yoga.  Lucky me gets to be on call again this weekend too. Fuck you very much.

I want to write more, but I feel so down in the dumps. I am so disappointed to be back in the 150s. Plus, I typically retain fluid when I am on call so weight will be even higher tomorrow. I know I shouldn't, but all I want to do right now is purge the frozen meal I had for dinner. I am strong--I can resist. I know it will intensify the killer headache I have had all day too.

On the bright side, post call tomorrow which means done from work at noon.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


I will start off on a positive note--still 149 lbs this morning.

While that should not be good news it is given what a vile creature I was yesterday. Did good in the morning. Protein shake and 60 minutes of cardio. Then out for lunch where fat ass ate mediterranean food like it was my last meal before I die. Pita, chicken, beef, hummus, and baba ghanoush, and it was all slathered in olive oil. Dinner was ok- frozen diet meal. Doesn't sound too terrible. And then the drinking started......millions of calories from alcohol alone. Followed by a lot of b/p.

Why? I'm sure I will gain 5 when I weigh myself tomorrow morning. I'm just dehydrated today. Tried to go to the gym earlier, but they weren't open yet. I am going to run on my treadmill for at least 2 hours today. One hour like usual, and then an extra hour for punishment.

See ya soon. I have to clean. The house is filthy.

Saturday, February 5, 2011


149 lbs. Still terrible, but finally out of the 150s. 4 lbs to go to my first reward.

Going to the gym this morning.

I have to be good this weekend. I cannot be back in the 150s. Weekends are the toughest for me as my husband is home.

Hope everyone is doing well. Got to go--the senna tea I drank last night is kicking in!

Friday, February 4, 2011

That's Just Fabulous...No Really!

152 this am. WTF?

Restricted all day except 3 cups of tea. Just hopped on the scale really quick 151.6

I'm trying to stay calm. Relax. Deep breath. I don't feel very calm. I feel really annoyed. I have been exceptionally good. Low calorie no b/p, and this is what my scale spits back at me today. I have decided to switch my upstairs scale (which is older) with my downstairs scale (newer) as I feel betrayed by my older scale. I should have gone downstairs and checked my weight, but I didn't and I just drank a lot of water and I'm not interested in seeing my weight up even more. I know water is good for me and has no calories so I refuse to feel discouraged about drinking it.

I hated weighing in the 140s, but I feel like I could crawl out of my skin being back in the 150s.

Planning to go to the gym tonight with my friend. I'm dreading it. I haven't eaten all day, and I am going to have to take it super easy or I will probably pass out. My friend has been driving me crazy, and I know she will annoy me more if I skip out on our "date." She will probably want to go to the Olive Garden afterwards. She has been nagging me all week. I wish she would except that it's going to be a cold day in hell before I go there. I'm sure I would gain 3 lbs by just walking through the door.

I got one of the nurses at work to give me a vitamin B12 shot today. Everyone talks about how great they are for energy. I hope that's true despite the lack of medical evidence to support it. It's raining here which means no walking the dogs. I decided yesterday that I would start running with them instead to burn more calories. Maybe it's good it's raining--I would feel bad if I fainted and the dogs ran off and were hit by a car.

Today I actually enjoyed working for a change. I got behind and didn't finish until 12 30 which sucked. I love chatting with people sometimes. It makes the time much more enjoyable. Some of my peeps are so crazy maybe that's why I like seeing them--I can relate better!

Thankful for the weekend. I am on call next weekend. Fucking hooray. I hate weekend call. 

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Still 151. Hello Muffin Top

I have mixed feelings about 151 lbs today. On the one hand, I have not gained which is good because for a while thats all I have been doing. On the other hand, nothing starts off the day better than seeing weight loss. I need to be patient. I know I will not lose weight everyday, and cannot use that as an excuse to binge.

So far I have had slim fast (180) and "rice" with tempeh (155). Planning for light cardio this evening after work, and then will walk the dogs (I hope). Not sure about dinner yet. In my mind I think it would be fabulous to skip dinner all together, but know that will never happen.

My clothes are sadly rather ill fitting today, and I have a muffin top. Fabulous. Thank god for the white coat's ability to hide/disguise such ugliness. I hate that I got back up to 155. I know deep down that I have weighed more in the past. In undergrad my weight got up to 187 actually. I lost all that fat and got down in the 120s, and generally do not acknowledge that I ever weighed that much. After losing weight I slowly crept back up to 155 and lost it. Now I choose to look at 155 as my high weight because I am back, and I think I would self destruct and implode if I ever weighed more than 155 again. I was down in the 130s over the summer, but back to being a fat slob again. Cheers 151...I hope to never see you again.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Hang my head in shame then slightly lifting it

Confession--a couple of days ago my weight was back up to 155 :( Like so many I was so ashamed and disappointed. I made a brand new list of goals (see earlier post), and decided I needed to give b/p a rest, and really get back to restricting.

I am happy to report a weight of 151 lbs today which is absolutely disgusting, but less disgusting then 155 lbs.

Yesterday I finished the day around 700 calories. Not too shabby. So far I have had a piece of toast (130) and for lunch am having this super awesome "cauliflower rice" recipe that I saw on another blog. It's a massive serving with 150 calories. For dinner planning to have frozen meal which is 270. Which would put me at 550 for the day. I trying to not work out as much (I use to do an hour of cardio a day) because I can't sleep at night because I am too hungry. I really need decent rest because of my job. I'm going to aim for lower impact which I know burns less calories, but will help me avoid b/p.

I have been drinking a lot of peppermint tea, and sometimes put kava kava in it. It is so relaxing. I love it! Unfortunately, my house has gone back to being a dirty disaster. Hoping to clean some this evening. Last night I went to bed at 7 30 so I didnt have to look at it. Pretty pathetic I know.

Looking forward to weighing 145 (again). I think I might change my reward to a massage, but we'll see. I have to lose the weight first! I am contemplating taking "before" pictures, but I think they might put me in a deep depression.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I am OK

Just a quickie. I am ok despite my post yesterday. I was just very mad, and my anger was slightly (ok extremely) amplified by some chardonnay. Will post again in a bit.