Frumpy

Got done with work super early today. Thought I would work out since I am on call. I never work out when I am on call. I guess I could, but my mental state is shit (or shittier then usual I should say). That being said, I really thought I would work out, but never made it to the gym.

Feeling super shitty about all the food I ate last night. Mac and cheese, beer, peanut butter, ice cream (which I never eat!), chips, and cookies. At least I didn't eat the whole package of these foods, but still...I hardly ever eat this crap. Except peanut butter. I love peanut butter. On the last leg of my binge I threw all the left overs away. I forgot I threw the peanut butter away until I went to the fridge and it was gone. I'll give my piggish, fat, pathetic self credit for throwing away the peanut butter. I'm going to try really hard not to buy anymore. I hate that I like peanut butter so much. I also hate that I am not a picky eater. Life would be simpler if I didn't have a mouth like a trash can. Today I threw away more food. I feel guilty for wasting it, but I can't eat it if it's not there. Good-bye cheese, bread, and lunch meat!

I wore scrubs to work today. Too fat to face my normal work clothes. Looking in the mirror this morning I fixated on my bloated stomach, fat thighs, humongous arms, and horrific double chin. I have never been skinny skinny. Now I am to the point that I can't stand being in my own skin. I feel like the poster girl for the word frumpy.

Doing better today.
~400 Calories and all very low sodium.

Sitting here thinking about chewing and spitting some type of forbidden food. Yes, that's another one of my nasty little habits.