Suck it!

Despite my shitty call night last night I am in a fabulous mood. I am still trying to settle into the anonymity of this blog. Previously, I had a more open and public blog and even though I deleted it- I am frequently super paranoid that someone will figure out it is me. I think this must be some type of progression because I have read enough other ED blogs to recognize this as a common thread.

On that note. I really want to wear some type of ED bracelet. Mostly so I can be reminded during the day of my rationale towards food, and my goals. Sadly, I am too afraid. I have been considering making my "own" ED bracelet. After all, I don't want to be identified even though I would love the company. Being a health care worker would make it extremely awkward. I have only met one bulimic during my career (yeah yeah- I'm so seasoned in my profession!). It was odd because I really related to her, but had to give her the "lecture" that my career mandates. It's funny because I frequently meet extremely obese people. I always assume (yes, I accept this is wrong and judgmental of me) that they just binge-binge-binge. Ironically, this is probably not true as they all swear "I hardly eat anything," or "I barely eat." Yeah fucking right I think. Last time I checked a calorie was a calorie, and hypothyroidism and genetic obesity are pretty fucking uncommon.

I hate them. I hate all the fat people I have to see. They don't care and they do nothing. I shouldn't even say fat people. Most fat people are trying to do something (myself included), but rather obese people. I know this is cruel, but I wish medicine could ignore them and let Darwin/evolution run it's course.

However, I know this is cruel. I could never look an obese person in the eyes and say it. Also, if I had an obese family member I would never think this. I know obesity is as much as an eating disorder as anorexia, bulimia, and all forms of ED-NOS. Maybe I am just pissed that obesity is socially acceptable. God forbid you want to starve yourself to death, but if you want to overeat until you die then the medical community won't make you seek psychological/psychiatric care-instead they will just call you fat and make money off your medical problems. Go figure. If there was more money to be made off of anorexia and bulimia then I bet we would see a huge decline in social stigma.

Ok, Chickadee will now step off the health care soap box. Lets talk about today.

Today I decided to give the whole 800 calories thing a try (please see previous post). So even though at most I only go for 1/4 cup (dry initially) oatmeal today i decide to break out the full 1/2 cup oats cooked for a total of 150 calories. Living the high life. Until...

Lunch finally rolled around, and I was done with seeing patients and since I was on call last night (sucky call night by the way!) I was done at this time. Totally contemplated chewing and spitting whatever the fuck I wanted.This is usually extremely appealing as I generally do not allow much processed food in my "regular" diet. Contemplated and finally settled on super processed fatty canned soup and super processed canned pasta.

What can I say? I grew up rather poor. These are the delicacies of my childhood (sadly). It's hard for me to believe I was underweight as a young child, but I guess I had some sense then. Typically, there is an extreme lack of processed food in my personal diet. I (and hubby) spend a fortune on fresh and healthy foods, and I am predominately vegan (yeah yeah I hear you, but it was initially for environmental reasons). However, I don't punish my husband with my craziness so there is still processed food in the house.

My plan-eat nasty soup and canned pasta, and purge. Pathetic? Absolutely! Did I have a good time (before the purge)? In fact I did. I did not obsessively eat as I knew I was planning to remove the food from my body. I chewed ( as much as one can) and savored (ditto) the forbidden fruit I ingested. Afterward, the purging was the best I have ever experienced.

Purging (although I frequently imbibe-don't get me wrong) for me is typically a mind against body experience. This, however, was not the case today. The food glided up from my stomach and into the toilet with far less effort then my typical purge. I could have theoretically done this five times today- it went that well.

I despise the food I ate, but it's hard not to accept this as some type of sign.

Don't worry. I learned my lesson this evening. I made my fancy nacho salad (self made and low cal). After all, I was on call last night/this morning, vomited (I much prefer the word purge to vomit-*note to self*) lunch, and felt on top of the world so to speak. I felt so good (high you could say) from before that I decided there was no harm to return this meal to the toilet.

Yeah, didn't exactly go so well. Got the food up, but the word "glide" has absolutely no place in this circumstance.

My condolence prize has been a bottle of sparkling wine. Yes- I can hear your thoughts.."why did you bother puking just to drink alcohol?" Two reasons on that- 1) the last binge/purge was fucking brutal, and 2) hubby is coming home tomorrow so might as well have my last hoorah!

I am a sick shit. I always weigh myself before a binge (and probable purge). That way I know how much to rid myself of to get back to where I was. Sadly, tonight I forgot to weigh in at the beginning of the night so when I was ready to release the vileness inside my body I was disappointed that I did not know the starting point. So I used my morning weight (145 lbs...stupid fat fuck that I am). Did "my thing" and when I was done I was 142 lbs.

Finally progress. I am sure I will be back up to 145 in the morning because I am neither friends with god nor the devil.

So, hopefully will be back to a pure lifestyle this weekend. Hubby home tomorrow night (please be good in the evening!) Goals- no booze, no junk (so no purging), yes to black coffee, exercise, and chores.

I am capable of losing weight. I will lose weight. I will not be another fat fuck walking around the store. I'm sorry, but I despise fat. I guess that's why I am a self hater.

**Just read my post- I can't believe I started out with "I am in a fabulous mood, " but I really am in a good mood.

Let's get the weight loss started. No more room for fat asses.