Pardon Me

I am taking a leave of absence from blogging. I have been too naughty, and using my blog to justify being bad. I have already been punishing myself, but thought it only fair to post a little blurb on the matter. I have  deactivated my Facebook account (for punishment), quit Netflix, and unsubscribed to HBO. I have decide that there shall be no luxuries while living at this weight except for going to the gym.

After tonight- I miss all of you, and your truly fabulous blogs but they are privileges that I am not entitled to right now. I think when I weigh 142-ish I will return.

Just to update quickly-had psych appointment last week. Lamictal (mood stabilizer) increased to max dose, and started on Prozac as me and Celexa are enemies. I told my psychiatrist about bingeing, but she never asked about purging. It's low and slow with the Prozac so I feel like a senior citizen. I generally don't like my psychiatrist and thought she would be very judgmental. However, my instability really brought out her good side. Makes me wonder if she thought I was faking up until now.

I miss you all already, but you are great motivation to succeed. 

What the Hell

Last night of vacation. I am going to drink a bunch of beer, eat pizza, and hate myself tomorrow. Yes, that's the booze talking.

Fuck it.

At least I'm rocking pin-up girl hair today, and 3 guys talked to me at the store (yes-I'm old and married).

I'm raising my glass to hating myself tomorrow. 

fasting today

ugh. i hate myself. major binge last night. too ashamed to share my weight. i feel sick.

fuck fuck fuck

stupid cardio. i was just so hungry. i'm shocked there is any food in the kitchen.i hate myself. i need to move past this or i am highly likely to do it again today. it's all good. lots of liquids today.

i feel bloated and disgusting. i wish i could pop myself with a pin and let all the extra fluid drain off. my stomach aches from all the processed garbage that i crammed into it last night.

i don't want this to be my fault. perhaps it's related to my psych appointment today. i absolutely hate going.  i think i will wear gym clothes to my appointment then go walking. try to un-do some of last night's damage.

i was really hoping to be 145 by tomorrow. i am such a stupid fool.

1,025 Calories

Burned at the gym today!!!

Weight this morning...a stubborn 146.4 lbs.

So, yes wish weight was better (much better), but glad it isn't higher since I'm on vacation and haven't been doing anything.....including fasting.

Appointment with psychiatrist tomorrow....ugh! 

Crap

Binge may not be the best word and I have not purged which I know is good (but god I want to). Regular feeding habits = FAT FAT FAT.

Ugh. My weight is going to be up a jillion (yes, a jillion is a real number) pounds tomorrow.

Stay calm. Stay calm. Stay calm. I have a plan. I have had a plan which is why I subconsciously allowed my self to do this.

The plan- fast then fast then fast. Plus, cardio (please don't let me die, or worse pass out). Ha! Just kidding. My fat stores are more than worthy for fasting. Medically, I could probably fast 3-4 weeks without issue so long as I stay hydrated and took a multivitamin.

The mission:
                    Fast for at least 3 days
                    30-60 minutes at the gym daily
                    Drink 2L of water a day or more (sadly I had to put this down)
                    Do not b/p
                    No laxies (well-after today....oops)

Friday

Weight this morning 146.4 lbs. I want to be happy, but who can be happy about anything in the 140s? Or 130s for that matter. I feel like when I hit 129 that I will truly be pleased with my efforts. Until then every pound I lose is just a bitter reminder of every pound I gained.

I am less sick then I was a few days ago. We all know what that means. Yes, strong enough for b/p. I didn't really binge that much yesterday, but I purged practically everything. I feel shitty today because of it. Like a hang over. Headache. Dehydrated. Vile.

I am glad it's Friday. I start my vacation when I finish work today. No, I'm not doing anything or going anywhere. I was thinking about fasting since I don't have to be able to think clearly, but we'll see. I will probably sit around all day and read new ED blogs, and look at thinspo.

Contemplating trying diet pills. Not sure which to try. I don't want my hands to be too shaky. It's bad for business.

Sick Too!

Sorry for not posting. I have been sick since the start of the weekend. Weight this morning is 148.4 (yuck). The good thing about being sick is I feel to weak and crappy to b/p.

On call (AGAIN!) tomorrow. Will try to post more later this week.