Got done with work super early today. Thought I would work out since I am on call. I never work out when I am on call. I guess I could, but my mental state is shit (or shittier then usual I should say). That being said, I really thought I would work out, but never made it to the gym.
Feeling super shitty about all the food I ate last night. Mac and cheese, beer, peanut butter, ice cream (which I never eat!), chips, and cookies. At least I didn't eat the whole package of these foods, but still...I hardly ever eat this crap. Except peanut butter. I love peanut butter. On the last leg of my binge I threw all the left overs away. I forgot I threw the peanut butter away until I went to the fridge and it was gone. I'll give my piggish, fat, pathetic self credit for throwing away the peanut butter. I'm going to try really hard not to buy anymore. I hate that I like peanut butter so much. I also hate that I am not a picky eater. Life would be simpler if I didn't have a mouth like a trash can. Today I threw away more food. I feel guilty for wasting it, but I can't eat it if it's not there. Good-bye cheese, bread, and lunch meat!
I wore scrubs to work today. Too fat to face my normal work clothes. Looking in the mirror this morning I fixated on my bloated stomach, fat thighs, humongous arms, and horrific double chin. I have never been skinny skinny. Now I am to the point that I can't stand being in my own skin. I feel like the poster girl for the word frumpy.
Doing better today.
~400 Calories and all very low sodium.
Sitting here thinking about chewing and spitting some type of forbidden food. Yes, that's another one of my nasty little habits.
Showing posts with label fat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fat. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
The Maiden Post
Wow, so this is it! I have read and followed so many Pro-Ana, Mia, ED blogs before, and now I have my own. I'm happy. I need this. It sounds strange (in my mind) to say I need something. I work in a field where I am suppose to be fearless and indestructible...as they say in my line of work, "a phone call is a sign of weakness." However, here I am, being me...weak, anxious, and insecure. I love it!
So, my mission (as I have chosen to accept it) is to continue my pro-ED stance. Yes I know proana, and blah blah blah, but when you get down to it we are all talking about chaotic eating/relationships with food and body. On that note, I welcome everyone-the anorexics, the bulimics, the bingers, and what have you. Yes, we are all different, but somehow we are so similar. However, you judgmental pieces of shit can shut it! We don't post on your blogs so don't post on mine. We all know you are some ugly douche bag that nobody likes so please just accept it. I know we have.
So, ta-daa! My maiden post. I feel obligated to talk about my goals. Once upon a time I was skinnier, and slowly became much fatter to the tune of 187. Imagine my dismay when I stepped on the scale to see my weight so much closer to the 200 lb mark then it had ever been. At the time, I blamed this moment on ambition, and my drive to go to medical school. I was to busy to eat right and I was too busy to exercise. I think back to this time and laugh. That was the most free time I ever had-since high school at least.
Don't get me wrong, I knew ED before medical school, but we had a more casual relationship. Friends with benefits if you know what I mean. ED was there for me if/when I needed it, but generally we had a very symbiotic relationship of rules and consequences.
Medical school brought ED back with a passion. STRESS...ED loves stress. First ED suggested I starve, and I did. From 165 to 130 in one semester. I never got too low, but by the end of second year was down in the 120s, but partaking in quite a chaotic diet.
Fast forward again-intern year of residency. Lets talk about misery. Weight went up in 4th year of medical school...aka the year of happiness. Imagine going from Disney Land to Afghanistan- that is the only comparison I can make between 4th medical school and internship year of residency.
Welcome back ED, or rather Ana. There is no time to eat anyway, and you feel like shit no matter what. Is it my blood sugar? Doubtful. Ana and I were friends once upon a time, but this time I could only handle her in a 9-5 sort of way. Off hours I was totally Mia. I like Mia, but she is like the person you go shopping with when your BFF is busy. Not necessarily your first choice, but it's better than nothing.
So, here I am fat, fat, and fat. Plus I am so stressed I feel on the verge of a melt down every other day. My eating habits have gone back to their old ways about three weeks ago, and everyone's blogs have given me the strength to go on. I love ED. It is always there for me when the stress piles on. Some say it's all about control, and I agree.
I am a control freak.
Calories eaten today 485
So, my mission (as I have chosen to accept it) is to continue my pro-ED stance. Yes I know proana, and blah blah blah, but when you get down to it we are all talking about chaotic eating/relationships with food and body. On that note, I welcome everyone-the anorexics, the bulimics, the bingers, and what have you. Yes, we are all different, but somehow we are so similar. However, you judgmental pieces of shit can shut it! We don't post on your blogs so don't post on mine. We all know you are some ugly douche bag that nobody likes so please just accept it. I know we have.
So, ta-daa! My maiden post. I feel obligated to talk about my goals. Once upon a time I was skinnier, and slowly became much fatter to the tune of 187. Imagine my dismay when I stepped on the scale to see my weight so much closer to the 200 lb mark then it had ever been. At the time, I blamed this moment on ambition, and my drive to go to medical school. I was to busy to eat right and I was too busy to exercise. I think back to this time and laugh. That was the most free time I ever had-since high school at least.
Don't get me wrong, I knew ED before medical school, but we had a more casual relationship. Friends with benefits if you know what I mean. ED was there for me if/when I needed it, but generally we had a very symbiotic relationship of rules and consequences.
Medical school brought ED back with a passion. STRESS...ED loves stress. First ED suggested I starve, and I did. From 165 to 130 in one semester. I never got too low, but by the end of second year was down in the 120s, but partaking in quite a chaotic diet.
Fast forward again-intern year of residency. Lets talk about misery. Weight went up in 4th year of medical school...aka the year of happiness. Imagine going from Disney Land to Afghanistan- that is the only comparison I can make between 4th medical school and internship year of residency.
Welcome back ED, or rather Ana. There is no time to eat anyway, and you feel like shit no matter what. Is it my blood sugar? Doubtful. Ana and I were friends once upon a time, but this time I could only handle her in a 9-5 sort of way. Off hours I was totally Mia. I like Mia, but she is like the person you go shopping with when your BFF is busy. Not necessarily your first choice, but it's better than nothing.
So, here I am fat, fat, and fat. Plus I am so stressed I feel on the verge of a melt down every other day. My eating habits have gone back to their old ways about three weeks ago, and everyone's blogs have given me the strength to go on. I love ED. It is always there for me when the stress piles on. Some say it's all about control, and I agree.
I am a control freak.
Calories eaten today 485
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