Lets talk about meds baby

Meds changed today.

Not sure what to make of it. Kind of feel like the doctor was feeling guilty for running an hour behind, and it was easier to play catch up by accepting my idea.

I keep thinking to myself, "she who treats herself has a fool for a doctor."

I am never pushy or forceful, but as I am a doctor, I normally express my thoughts. That being said, we never do what I say until today.

Too lazy to think for herself, or was I dead on?

I know, I know. Be happy. After all you got the changes you wanted.

Or did I? Is my psychiatrist accepting that I am Bipolar and possibly OCD with performance anxiety? Maybe, or maybe she is more concentrated on traveling to Pennsylvania then my stupid issues.

Either way. Mood stabilizer increased, so, yay for sure! SSRI added...kind of nervous. These can send some people with bipolar off the deep end. That being said-some do even better.

Refusing to start new med until tomorrow. Hoping for a better 2011 because they help though.

Going on vacation Wednesday so last post should be tomorrow.

Side note: I love you followers! I felt like I was doing this for me, and no one would read. You are like a surprise Christmas gift. I love you three more than you can imagine.

Auditory Hallucinations

OK, so I am laying in bed internet browsing when I realize I hear music. I am not the type of person who usually listens to music when I am alone in bed, but slowly my focus shifts to hearing this lullaby-esque type music. It was almost like there was an ice cream truck outside which seems highly unlikely since it's 10 30 at night and literally freezing outside.

Weird.

I try not to be a hypochondriac as I know these types of hallucinations are pretty common, but still..

Very weird.

Of all things I wonder why lullaby music.

Had to read about it of course. I am feeling rather discouraged from my new found knowledge.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auditory_hallucination

Maybe there was an ice cream truck...

Senna Tea

Today I have had 4 cups of senna laxative tea...

I have not done this in a while, and not entirely sure what prompted the act today. I am sitting around waiting for the consequences. I guess I felt so bloated this morning that 1 cup lead to 2 lead to 3 and then 4. I'll be on the can all night I am sure. I guess it comes down to the fact that I am home by myself, and can do whatever I want. No need to be sneaky.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas. Aside from the senna tea I have been pretty miserable. I hate working, and I hate being on call.

Psychiatry appointment on Monday. I don't like my psychiatrist very much. She grates my nerves. I want to change my meds around, but if I suggest this then it probably won't happen. Some weird type of power struggle. I have not been to counseling in forever, but my schedule didn't really accommodate it. I kept going the day after I was on call, and I was so tired that all I would do is cry and speak incoherently. So I stopped going. I can cry at home for free, and save the $40 copay.

I hate mental illness. It seems unfair. If you eat right, and don't smoke, and blah blah blah then you will be generally healthy for most of your life. Mental illness seems to just happen. OK, I'll give you family history and environmental triggers, but still seems pretty unfair to me.

So it's Christmas

Yeah yeah it's Xmas. Doesn't really feel like it for me. Tomorrow I start a 48 hour work shift. Hubby is out of town. Restricting so far....but lets not kid ourselves as it never lasts.

Which brings me to New Years, and New Years resolutions. This year I have decided to be the Resolution Nazi. Sure, I know what you are thinking- "you don't even have the self control to not binge and purge." To which I counter, I am disciplined enough to be  a doctor.

Side note- for those of you tuning in I know there is some shock value that I am a doctor. Please try to remember this is a disease that knows no boundaries, and I had ED long before I was a doctor. So, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

So-I think I am up for the challenge. My resolutions are:

1. Lose 40 lbs. I don't care if I restrict or purge but so help me I will lose 40 lbs this year. My plan is to eat 800-900 calories every day in a planned out fashion to try to avoid "pitfalls" as I know you know what I mean.

2. Lift weights to improve the appearance of my shoulders. I refuse to hypertrophy any other muscles as this will cause weight gain. However, well developed shoulders will make all women look more elegant.

3. Stop cooking. I love to cook. I know this is a problem.

4. Pilates three times a week

5. Yoga twice a week

6. Run 3 miles in 27 minutes (it presently takes 32 minutes)

7. Learn to speak Spanish fluently. I have Rosetta Stone (computer Spanish lessons), and my goal is to do 1-2 lessons per week. !Muy bien!

8. Improve home organizations skills

9. Last but not least-and this is rather TMI....have sex at least 6 times a week. It's truly pathetic that the amount of sex dwindles with marriage. I refuse to except this, and I am fighting back!

So ladies and gentleman...start your engines as we are approaching a new year. A year where we don't have to hate ourselves and wish we were better. It's time to start over, and turn over a new leaf.

Tell our selves that this year it really will be better.

off balance

the ever precarious balance of professional life and ED is not melding together so far.

That's right shitty day.

Followed by shitty afternoon.

I hate obese coworkers. That's right I am prejudice.

I despise people who skip out of work to be fat and lazy. Guess I have summed up my day. Well that drama plus 2 episodes of purging... gotta run. huuby is coming

December 20th

OK, the whole "fat on the bed thing" well forget it. Not going to happen. I am working on being in a better mood today. I have the afternoon off (yay!), and have put my gym clothes on and planning to do 2 hours of cardio. Threw up lunch. Not sure why because I didn't over eat, but I feel so much better now so no real regrets there.

I have noticed a lot of bloggers dreading Xmas. I am working this Xmas holiday :) another thing to be happy about.

Little bit worried about my BPD. I have had the urge to shop like crazy so keeping fingers crossed that I won't have a manic episode.

If I keep telling myself that I am happy then eventually I will believe it...right? 

Contemplations of a fat, stupid fuck

Welcome back to a "new" low. Binging??...yes,  just binging-no purging.  I refuse to purge when in public, and can't seem to get any privacy the past 2 days. I resolve to be "fat on the bed," please note this is a "Super Size Me" quote as this is one of my favorite documentaries for many reasons. I think I have seen all the food documentaries...not too surprising I know.

Not completely resigned to the philosophy mentioned above. This whole week has been shit. Aside from "soup and cake," I have eaten toast every morning. I thought I would try to expand my eating horizens and ascend my food "issues." Eating carbs didn't help any..I don't recommend it, and slapped my face several times today. Yo bitch! Wake up call!!

Yeah fucking right. Hello fat cow, hello over eater, hello frumpy dumpy yucky dumb ass.

What can be done I ask my glutinous self....what? Resolve- I tell myself. 'Tis the season of New Years' resolutions...I can do it and will do it. It's just damage control for the next 2 weeks.

FYI-Psychiatry appointment next week....how I hate them/she. Yes label me then re-label me and drug me then re-drug me. No human is perfect...I bet my psychiatrist is divorced and her mother hates her. I know I can't prove it, but I'm a physician and I am much more fucked up than most.

Perhaps I should be saying, "would you like fries with that?"

Mother fucking cunts..I hate health care and I hate food, but I hate my dumb, stupid, fat, worthless self the most.

All the same Happy Holidays Love!