Finally

149 lbs. Still terrible, but finally out of the 150s. 4 lbs to go to my first reward.

Going to the gym this morning.

I have to be good this weekend. I cannot be back in the 150s. Weekends are the toughest for me as my husband is home.

Hope everyone is doing well. Got to go--the senna tea I drank last night is kicking in!

That's Just Fabulous...No Really!

152 this am. WTF?

Restricted all day except 3 cups of tea. Just hopped on the scale really quick 151.6

I'm trying to stay calm. Relax. Deep breath. I don't feel very calm. I feel really annoyed. I have been exceptionally good. Low calorie no b/p, and this is what my scale spits back at me today. I have decided to switch my upstairs scale (which is older) with my downstairs scale (newer) as I feel betrayed by my older scale. I should have gone downstairs and checked my weight, but I didn't and I just drank a lot of water and I'm not interested in seeing my weight up even more. I know water is good for me and has no calories so I refuse to feel discouraged about drinking it.

I hated weighing in the 140s, but I feel like I could crawl out of my skin being back in the 150s.

Planning to go to the gym tonight with my friend. I'm dreading it. I haven't eaten all day, and I am going to have to take it super easy or I will probably pass out. My friend has been driving me crazy, and I know she will annoy me more if I skip out on our "date." She will probably want to go to the Olive Garden afterwards. She has been nagging me all week. I wish she would except that it's going to be a cold day in hell before I go there. I'm sure I would gain 3 lbs by just walking through the door.

I got one of the nurses at work to give me a vitamin B12 shot today. Everyone talks about how great they are for energy. I hope that's true despite the lack of medical evidence to support it. It's raining here which means no walking the dogs. I decided yesterday that I would start running with them instead to burn more calories. Maybe it's good it's raining--I would feel bad if I fainted and the dogs ran off and were hit by a car.

Today I actually enjoyed working for a change. I got behind and didn't finish until 12 30 which sucked. I love chatting with people sometimes. It makes the time much more enjoyable. Some of my peeps are so crazy maybe that's why I like seeing them--I can relate better!

Thankful for the weekend. I am on call next weekend. Fucking hooray. I hate weekend call. 

Still 151. Hello Muffin Top

I have mixed feelings about 151 lbs today. On the one hand, I have not gained which is good because for a while thats all I have been doing. On the other hand, nothing starts off the day better than seeing weight loss. I need to be patient. I know I will not lose weight everyday, and cannot use that as an excuse to binge.


So far I have had slim fast (180) and "rice" with tempeh (155). Planning for light cardio this evening after work, and then will walk the dogs (I hope). Not sure about dinner yet. In my mind I think it would be fabulous to skip dinner all together, but know that will never happen.

My clothes are sadly rather ill fitting today, and I have a muffin top. Fabulous. Thank god for the white coat's ability to hide/disguise such ugliness. I hate that I got back up to 155. I know deep down that I have weighed more in the past. In undergrad my weight got up to 187 actually. I lost all that fat and got down in the 120s, and generally do not acknowledge that I ever weighed that much. After losing weight I slowly crept back up to 155 and lost it. Now I choose to look at 155 as my high weight because I am back, and I think I would self destruct and implode if I ever weighed more than 155 again. I was down in the 130s over the summer, but back to being a fat slob again. Cheers 151...I hope to never see you again.

Hang my head in shame then slightly lifting it

Confession--a couple of days ago my weight was back up to 155 :( Like so many I was so ashamed and disappointed. I made a brand new list of goals (see earlier post), and decided I needed to give b/p a rest, and really get back to restricting.

I am happy to report a weight of 151 lbs today which is absolutely disgusting, but less disgusting then 155 lbs.

Yesterday I finished the day around 700 calories. Not too shabby. So far I have had a piece of toast (130) and for lunch am having this super awesome "cauliflower rice" recipe that I saw on another blog. It's a massive serving with 150 calories. For dinner planning to have frozen meal which is 270. Which would put me at 550 for the day. I trying to not work out as much (I use to do an hour of cardio a day) because I can't sleep at night because I am too hungry. I really need decent rest because of my job. I'm going to aim for lower impact which I know burns less calories, but will help me avoid b/p.

I have been drinking a lot of peppermint tea, and sometimes put kava kava in it. It is so relaxing. I love it! Unfortunately, my house has gone back to being a dirty disaster. Hoping to clean some this evening. Last night I went to bed at 7 30 so I didnt have to look at it. Pretty pathetic I know.

Looking forward to weighing 145 (again). I think I might change my reward to a massage, but we'll see. I have to lose the weight first! I am contemplating taking "before" pictures, but I think they might put me in a deep depression.

I am OK

Just a quickie. I am ok despite my post yesterday. I was just very mad, and my anger was slightly (ok extremely) amplified by some chardonnay. Will post again in a bit.

C is for stabby

dammit dammit dammit. diet ok, but bloody mother fucking lip is un acceptable. I'll drink to that asshole. Tomorrow I will start to waste away....ha! where did she go???? ha! hell in  a hand cart! byotchhh!

Dig Your Own Hole

Shit. Holy shit. Holy mother fucking shit.

Today is the worst binge I have ever had....ever. I don't know what triggered it, and I don't know how I continued to spiral out of control.

I can list the foods, but I am too ashamed to list the quantities.

Not sure why I did this, My weight has been shit for days and days.

This is what I ate, unfortunately :(   :(   :(

protein shake, protein bar, starbucks coffee, turkey/cranberry/brie panini, hazelnut chocolate bar, chocolate donuts, chocolate donuts, chocolate donuts, beer, pizza, chocolate..........


fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

I resolve to work out for two hours tomorrow morning, and restrict for the rest of the day...except for 1 slimfast shake and one diet meal = 270 calories.  That will be 450 intake and -1200 output. I am not a cutter, but I almost feel like I deserve it....again not a cutter and don't want to start. I have enough tattoos that I am always trying to hide.

_________________________________________

On a positive note--I think a tattoo shall be my reward for weight loss. First I will set up some realistic goals. Sorry to add that I have gained back all the weight I lost :( boo hoo

So-
145--case of sugar free Red Bull
140--mani/pedi
135--facial
130--New heart rate montitor
125--new bras/panties from Victoria Secret
120--Out with friends to strip club or trip to New York City
118--New wristlet by Coach, Michael Kors, or Juicy Couture
116--Teeth whitening
114--Christian Dior makeup
112--New jeans
110--New coat and designer purse
108--Laser hair removal
106--new tattoo
103--trip to Dublin, Ireland

I will succeed. I am more than this sack of fat. I am smart and intelligent and capable of overcoming my current disposition.

That said, I have yet to acknowledge my followers-I love you. I love you despite knowing you. You give me courage to persevere, and to hopefully succeed. I know I will have the occasional hiccup, however, I am extremely goal oriented, and I know I can do it.... we can all do it. We all know some super skinny person that barely eats, and we are just as capable as them. Today I will stop looking at my plate, and start focusing on my scale!