Hiding

I have been hiding from the scale.

Wearing scrubs to work.

Not going to the gym.

Avoiding ED blogs.

DENIAL.

I am in denial. I have been so utterly miserable with my job that I would probably have killed myself if I could'nt enjoy food. Now I am plump and miserable for a different reason and I still hate my job.

Normally I have a plan.

Sadly, my plan right now is to survive.

Hope I make it. 

ummm......right.

Hello Fuck up.

You were doing so well. What happened to you? Tomorrow your work schedule is shitty. I think you also deserve a shitty menu so here it is....

                   You may partake in 300-700 Calories a day and that is it.

                   For every 100 calories you go over you will punish yourself with 2 laxies and 3 shots of    
                   Miralax.

                   Keep it up and you will have to drink Red Bull at 10 pm.

                  You are expected to work out 90 minutes 5 days per week.


I did this to myself....I am pathetic. I will use this regimen to become stronger. 

Deuce deuce

Go figure. New low weight so lets sabotage it. Took friend out to celebrate new pregnancy. Thought about the salad and ordered the hamburger. Shared the appetizer...some creamy seafood thing on fried (yes-fucking-fried) pita. 2 margaritas and 2 beers.

I am going to be positive. Tomorrow I will hit the gym for two hours then rest and run on the treadmill at home for one hour then do an hour on the reformer  at home. I ruined all my work completing lemonade party #2, but just took a handful of laxies to try to balance out (yes, pathetic I know).

Juice diet tomorrow which is going to suck with all the working out.

Preggers really enjoyed our little get together so that's fun. Ugh-babies. I'm at that age where everyone is having kids and how could I possibly understand. Ummm....I work 80 hours a week taking care of tons of people. Believe it or not I think I understand. I don't even like most of these people, but I'm guessing moms love their babies. Maybe they don't freakin' understand.

I am all about stay at home moms, but it is what it is. I have another friend with 2 parasites who stays at home, and she never has time for anything. This baffles me. I work all the G.D. time and I still manage to make it work without a maid. I manage to cook every night, and get my fat ass to the gym. Go figure!

Ok Ok I am being rude and offensive, but some of us will be the bread winners of the family unit. We don't take kindly to being told that we don't understand. Maybe they don't understand.

I'm looking for a hobby. I have no hobbies, and feel like this would be beneficial to my wellbeing. I use to make jewelry, but now I cringe at the thought. I'm thinking about sewing (also use to knit, but have zero desire presently). I don't feel excited about anything but being off from work, and when I lose weight....not exactly hobby material. I don't know how to sew, but I love the idea of making my own clothes.

I spent a fortune today. I am going to be in trouble tomorrow but fuck it. The beauty store had buy 2 get 1 free nail polish. Plus, I spent more at a repeat trip to the grocery store. Not to mention preggers dinner and gifts.

Top 5 places I would like to visit:
1. India
2. Antartica (thought about applying for a job)
3. Ecuador
4. Turkey
5. Ireland

Places I have been:
-Germany
-Holland
-Belgium
-Italy
-Czechoslovakia (before the split)
-France
-England
-Thailand
-Myanmar
-Multiple Caribbean Islands (if they count)
-Mexico

Obviously I mean foreign places. I have been all over the USA. I am an army brat.

My Lady Gaga "Pray for Japan" bracelet came today. Yay. My parents also sent hubby and I a wonderful anniversary gift. Edible Art---it's these pretty fruit arrangements. 4 years total. We have been together since 2002. Sometimes I wish I was single, but only for simplification. I know I am nuts, and it's probably hard for hubby, but he tolerates it. I think he is hanging in there for the doctor pay but I could be wrong.

At least the sex is good. 

Contemplating a Twofer

I might post twice today. It's so early and I am home by myself, but feel like blogging now so we'll see.

I'm thinking of repeating the lemonade party too. I will definitely work out first this time. Last time I felt like I was going to crap myself and had to leave the gym early. I don't feel like going to the gym today. I am getting ready to force myself to go change, but I am dreading it. It is insanely monotonous.

After that I am going to the beauty supply store to look at nail polish. I want to get a pedicure today, but "friend" wants to go later in the week. Our house (which is super duper old--105 years) is really freakin cold today. I really don't know what to do with myself today so I will probably drive around aimlessly with one of the dogs as my company.

I think I have arthritis in one of my toes. It really aches. I don't know why I am sharing this, but I guess it's really depressing to think of having arthritis. I am turning 30 this month. I have mixed feelings. I know aging will give me more respect in my profession. BUT- I still don't want to get old(er).

Summary: I absolutely don't know what to do with myself today, but must avoid stuffing my fat face at all costs. 

144 byotch

Yay-finally.


Mother fuckin  


PROGRESS


What Have I been doing? Two things

Starving
Cross Training


So, my friend kept giving me shit about dieting. So I finally said to her that if I don't weigh the number I want then I won't be coming to her wedding. So, she acted mad at first until I said that she could support me or not. Because, if she doesn't then if my weight sucks than I won't come to her wedding.

Hehe. More support than you could imagine.  Don't tell the hidden weight. Be elusive. All the same weight is 144lbs.

Hubby will be gone Saturday and Sunday. The plan: work out like crazy.

Oy vay-got the hiccups. Must go.

Suck it. My birthday is this month.  

Pink Lemonade Party

I had been doing ok. Until yesterday when I ate a bunch of nachos for dinner. Right now I am doing a colonscopy prep. I'm not having a colonscopy, but just think that I would feel better with a clean colon. A fresh start kind of thing. I guess I could have done a salt water flush type of thing, but I think Crystal Light lemonade tastes much better than salt water.

I'm hoping to go to the gym later today so hopefully I will be able to leave the house.

I guess what sucks about the prep is that I have to drink like 2 liters of lemonade. I still have more left to drink, and am already tired of lemonade.

I feel like puking. I have drank so much so quickly :( I was trying to be done so I chugged and chugged and chugged. I have one glass left (a huge glass) to drink. If I vomit I am going to be pissed.

______________________________________________________

So, it's like 5+ hours later. I didn't puke. I was able to do 30 minutes of cardio at the gym before worrying I might shit myself so no yoga tonight. I would totally do this again (on a weekend). I am spotless on the inside. It's fabulous.

Tentative plan is liquid diet for the next 2 days then re-evaluate.

Time to say goodbye

Dear Mia,

I hate you. Please go away and do not come back. I hope you get herpes in your eye and die from it.

Go to hell,
Chickadee

Not sure exactly what I was thinking. If I was thinking at all.

So fuck me I just binged. Did wonderful until after dinner. I didn't do my liquid diet, but was doing fine. Now I am netting like 1100 calories. Fucking fabulous. Trying to chill out. It could have been so much worse.

I hate myself right now. My weight is going to be up tomorrow. So no weigh ins until Monday. It's starve starve this weekend. That's right-I am finally going to restrict on a weekend.

Ok, I must confess. I just purged for like 20 minutes. I feel so much better although I know my weight will still be up tomorrow, but I know it's better in the long run.

On call tomorrow and Sunday. Please stab me. I hate being on call.

Hubby is out of town this weekend so Saturday I will be left to my own devices. I have been scheming about what I will do while he is gone. The whole restricting thing pretty much only leaves smoking. Hmm..not so wonderful but not so terrible. 

Let Me Count the Ways

Shit. I have really missed blogging. I was punishing myself until I got to 145. Not quite there (146---finally, again!!), but close enough.
Today:

Tall skinny iced caramel macchiatto with 2 extra shots of expresso (?100 calories)
Home made chicken "Caesar" salad (200 calories-I am intentionally over estimating)
Lean cuisine with extra veggies  (355 calories)
Chardonnay (335 calories)

Total = 990 calories

Exercise = 600

Net = 390 calories

I am ready to kill my friend. I know we are friends and I should be more loving but seriously?

She is engaged, and one of those Bridezilla types. Don't get me wrong as I am married too, but (not to be offensive) at the time (and still) I really didn't give a fuck about my wedding nor will I about anyone else's. So, her and her fiance are having 2 (yes I said 2) weddings. One in Europe (because apparently no one can come here) and one in the States. The one in the states is going to be Indian (as is her fiance), and she is so "devastated" because his parents are spending a fucking fortune, and dear little hunny bunny has minimal say in coordinating the wedding. So shut the fuck up already. Most people are lucky to get one nice wedding, and she's bitching about an extravagant second wedding?? Lets be honest...this is about wanting attention. I however, refuse to acknowledge this because I plan on not going to her wedding. I will be sick, or the car will break down at the last minute.....SOMETHING! Why do some people forget that weddings are suppose to be about loving another person, and not throwing a huge ass party for a bunch of people that will likely still find something to complain about (not to mention some won't even bring gifts). Yes I am ranting, but again-I really hate weddings.

Kay: Sweet Pea, I cannot be friends on Face Book until my hiatus ends which won't be until I am in the 130s, but I am trying very hard everyday. Even today because normally when I have wine I pig out, but not today.

I am chillaxin with some kava kava tea. Planning for a massage tomorrow. Tomorrow I will go back on a liquid diet. I am trying to do this every other day. I found these awesome juices (I will post brand some other time after I look again). The whole bottle is 540 calories so I just drink that all day and then go work out. It's awesome. No fuss no muss type of thing.

Good to be back. 

Miss Piggy

Yes, sadly I am referring to myself. I can't say my weight because I haven't been on the scale for a few days. Friday was my anniversary so I used it to as an excuse to be a disgusting pig, and stuff unhealthy food in my mouth. It's moments like this where I hate myself so much. I hate the complete and utter loss of control. I know losing weight is important to me. I am ashamed of how I look right now, and want to change. Sadly, I frequently lose sight of this which is when I hate myself the most.

There is a little bird that is always flying at the window at the back of our house. She taps with her beak, and then sits on the window sill looking into the house. She does it every day. What is she looking at? I use to think it was her reflection, but I am starting to doubt that. Not to be overly philosophical, but I can really relate to wanting something so bad that you have the same routine day after day. Unfortunately, even that little bird has more will power then myself.

So, no self loathing without a new plan. The new plan is juice diet for today and likely tomorrow. On Tuesday will probably do some solids, but plan to keep it very low cal. I bought these really great protein shakes. They are 110 calories per box, but have a ton of protein so you won't be starving. 

595 Calories

For the day, and I am going to bed super early to keep myself from eating.

I am in control. I am in control.

I didn't do the lemonade diet today. I think if I can keep my calorie counts down for tomorrow then I will resume it on Wednesday.

I didn't go to the gym today. Not going tomorrow because I am on call. Yuck!

Today I put on an old pair of work pants. They were so tight I was mortified. I some how kept myself from curling up in a fetal position and crying. It does make me wonder if I should start every day by putting on pants that are too small. My appetite immediately disintegrated. 

Master Cleanse Day 4

Weight today 147.7lbs. Not fabulous, but I blame the broccoli. I had broccoli again for dinner tonight, but thankfully it is all gone now. I didn't work out today, but I will tomorrow.

Today has totally sucked. I have sat around the house all fucking day. A little before noon I took an Oxyelite which made me so super shaky.....insane! Suppose to have laxie tea tonight, but I am too lazy to get up and make it right now. The night is young so cross your fingers.

Aside from that-I think for celebrity bodies that Gwen Stefani would be nice. Two kids and still looking good is pretty awesome. I don't have any kids, but I probably look like the old woman who lived in a shoe.

I have been watching the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movies (English dubbed because I am lazy)- they are awesome.

Also, Lady Gaga (I love working out to pop music) has charity bracelets for the recent Japanese tsunami so please contribute as they are only $5!!!

Master Cleanse Day 3

Ok, have stuck to lemonade all day. I know some would consider this cheating, but I am having broccoli for dinner. I can not throw it away.

Forgot to weigh myself before I got dressed this morning, but with my clothes and shoes I was 148 which I think is a good sign.

I realized earlier that I had not purged in a while. Prozac must be working.

Not much else to say as the lemonade diet makes life really boring. I did an hour of cardio today-yay!

Master Cleanse Day 2

Yay- weight down to 148. I am embarrassed to say that when I started yesterday I was 152. Super embarrassed actually. Dragged my ass to the gym today and burned 500+ calories which is awesome.  Today I finally understand the "control" over hunger. I have experienced it before, but not for a very long time. Today I was post-call and so tired I could die--not to mention starving hungry, but I didn't eat. Had some "lemonade", diet soda (I'm not detoxing), and water. Fabulous.

Didn't have any laxative tea yesterday. Got a little gift from the Alli I was taking before the cleanse. Yep, steatorrhea. Nice.........not! I should not even say steatorrhea. More like anal leakage. YUCK!!!  I have been taking Alli for like a month and a half without side effects, but I think this is related to the Master Cleanse and decrease in fiber. All the same D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G!!!!!!!!!

Ok- so drank the laxie tea today and praying for no more gifts from Alli.

I feel bad because I have healthy food in the fridge (veggies) that are going to expire before I am done with the lemonade diet.  I think I will throw them away tomorrow. All I would do is crap them out anyways. But still- fresh veggies aren't cheap, and I feel guilty. All the same, out of sight out of mind I guess.

I worked out on a new cardio machine at the gym today. It really kicked my ass.

Do you ever wonder if you could be any celebrity who you would be (based on looks only)? I can never decide.

All the same---think thin, don't binge, and don't graze. 

Master Cleanse-Day 1

It's 6 pm and I am feeling pretty beat. No real surprise. I still have more lemonade to drink, but instead I am laying in bed. Awful for my metabolism I know. I don't have too much to say. I'm not hungry, but I feel very tired. I did good at work. There was Subway sandwiches, but I lied and said that I had eaten a protein meal bar instead. It wasn't too much fun while everyone else pigged out on subs, chips, and cookies, but there was a part of me that felt great as I was truly in control for a change. 

I am using my friend as motivation to lose weight. She lost weight over the summer/fall with NutriSystem, and acts like she is the shit now. I am really competitive so this is good. I know it will drive her nuts when I am thinner than her, but she has been really annoying so it's like passive aggressive payback on my part.

I'm suppose to drink laxative tea tonight, but I'm not sure if I will be getting out of bed (except to go to the hospital if I get called in).

Will update you all tomorrow. 

Dollar Dollar Bills

Ok-desperate time call for desperate measures.

Which means I will start the Master Cleanse tomorrow (yes- on a call day. Believe it.) I have done this for about a week in the past. Not too fun. It's hard to pull off in public situations. I.E. my job.

At any rate that's what the plan is. Master cleanse until next Tuesday. After that I am making up my own diet. Regarding calories this is my plan per day:

1100

550

1000

500

1000

400

1000

300

I know 1000+ seems like a lot, but it's the average. PLUS- I think it will keep me from bingeing, and not trash my metabolism. AND- after the master cleanse I'll take any solids!!!


Potential pitfalls-

Working out: however, I have been questioning if I have too much muscle mass because for the amount I weigh I feel like I should wear a much larger size, but I wear size 6-8. Don't get me wrong- far from zero. However, muscle weighs more than fat. So, I don't want more fat, but maybe I need less muscle. I think my current work out schedule (5 days of 1 hour cardio and 2 days 1 hour yoga) will probably be a bit much. No more high intensity. I will still go to the gym, but need to take it super easy. Plus I will start lifting weights (triceps and shoulders only) as it will totally make my arms look better.

Work:

I need a fake food plan for work. We have a lunch meeting almost every day. The only thing I can think of is "salad". As in eat lettuce that has toppings (not cheese or dressing, but maybe lunch meat), and ignore the toppings. Also 50-60 calorie soup packets. If I add too much water it looks like a ton of soup. Especially the 60 calorie one because it is opaque.

Home:

Obviously, every other day won't be a problem. On problem days I think salad will work as well as whatever. Sadly, it's so easier to say I ate too much for lunch and the hubby will totally understand as he is very weight/appearance oriented about himself. He won't give me a hard time until I get into the one-teens. However, until then "hawla!!"

When I am alone:

The biggest challenge. I think the biggest help will be online video thinspo, and leaving my debit card at home. Can't stop and buy junk if you can't pay for it. I am lucky that if I have an emergency then I can call hubby.

Maybe next time I will rant about work some. We'll see. Either way, I have a real bride-zilla on my hands and go back and forth between stabbing her or stabbing myself. I am kidding of course, but I am sure you get my point.

Tuesday

Just a quick check in. Weight is up. 153 lbs. Fuck. I am on my period so I know that is a factor, but still.

Going to try to not weigh myself for the next 7 days, but I'm not sure if I am strong enough. I am to the point that I am afraid to get on the scale. I feel like no matter what I do my weight keeps going higher and higher.

Positive thoughts. I'm trying not to focus on how it is already March and I am still a fat ass.

On call again tomorrow. Yuck!

Baby I'm Ready to Go

Ok- weight not perfect, but at least back down to where I use to be. Probably fucking that up tonight, but I had a god awful day at work. Thank you very fucking much Dr. Bee-yotch.

All the same-wonderful to read everyones blog. About me- have been doing more than 1 hour of cardio a day without bingeing. Prozac is working ok I suppose, but probably too early to tell. Sadly, drinking booze tonight, but it's because of work shit. If I had a "regular" job, then I would quit tomorrow, but sadly it's more complicated than that :(   Fifteen more months....I can do it. I can be sane (pseudo-sane) for 15 months. I could go on and on about job shittiness  as I have barely scratched the surface, but I am hoping for resolution so I will hold off on bitching.

Hope everyone is doing well. I feel truly giddy to be back.

Sadly, I am on call tomorrow (yes again dammit!). Stole a bunch of sugar free Red Bull from work so that's good at least.

Happy to be back. Missed absolutely everyone. Wish my weight was lower, but at least it is what it was.
I love you all. I have missed everyone so much. I have been smiling as I typed! 

Pardon Me

I am taking a leave of absence from blogging. I have been too naughty, and using my blog to justify being bad. I have already been punishing myself, but thought it only fair to post a little blurb on the matter. I have  deactivated my Facebook account (for punishment), quit Netflix, and unsubscribed to HBO. I have decide that there shall be no luxuries while living at this weight except for going to the gym.

After tonight- I miss all of you, and your truly fabulous blogs but they are privileges that I am not entitled to right now. I think when I weigh 142-ish I will return.

Just to update quickly-had psych appointment last week. Lamictal (mood stabilizer) increased to max dose, and started on Prozac as me and Celexa are enemies. I told my psychiatrist about bingeing, but she never asked about purging. It's low and slow with the Prozac so I feel like a senior citizen. I generally don't like my psychiatrist and thought she would be very judgmental. However, my instability really brought out her good side. Makes me wonder if she thought I was faking up until now.

I miss you all already, but you are great motivation to succeed. 

What the Hell

Last night of vacation. I am going to drink a bunch of beer, eat pizza, and hate myself tomorrow. Yes, that's the booze talking.

Fuck it.

At least I'm rocking pin-up girl hair today, and 3 guys talked to me at the store (yes-I'm old and married).

I'm raising my glass to hating myself tomorrow.