Hiding

I have been hiding from the scale.

Wearing scrubs to work.

Not going to the gym.

Avoiding ED blogs.

DENIAL.

I am in denial. I have been so utterly miserable with my job that I would probably have killed myself if I could'nt enjoy food. Now I am plump and miserable for a different reason and I still hate my job.

Normally I have a plan.

Sadly, my plan right now is to survive.

Hope I make it. 

ummm......right.

Hello Fuck up.

You were doing so well. What happened to you? Tomorrow your work schedule is shitty. I think you also deserve a shitty menu so here it is....

                   You may partake in 300-700 Calories a day and that is it.

                   For every 100 calories you go over you will punish yourself with 2 laxies and 3 shots of    
                   Miralax.

                   Keep it up and you will have to drink Red Bull at 10 pm.

                  You are expected to work out 90 minutes 5 days per week.


I did this to myself....I am pathetic. I will use this regimen to become stronger. 

Deuce deuce

Go figure. New low weight so lets sabotage it. Took friend out to celebrate new pregnancy. Thought about the salad and ordered the hamburger. Shared the appetizer...some creamy seafood thing on fried (yes-fucking-fried) pita. 2 margaritas and 2 beers.

I am going to be positive. Tomorrow I will hit the gym for two hours then rest and run on the treadmill at home for one hour then do an hour on the reformer  at home. I ruined all my work completing lemonade party #2, but just took a handful of laxies to try to balance out (yes, pathetic I know).

Juice diet tomorrow which is going to suck with all the working out.

Preggers really enjoyed our little get together so that's fun. Ugh-babies. I'm at that age where everyone is having kids and how could I possibly understand. Ummm....I work 80 hours a week taking care of tons of people. Believe it or not I think I understand. I don't even like most of these people, but I'm guessing moms love their babies. Maybe they don't freakin' understand.

I am all about stay at home moms, but it is what it is. I have another friend with 2 parasites who stays at home, and she never has time for anything. This baffles me. I work all the G.D. time and I still manage to make it work without a maid. I manage to cook every night, and get my fat ass to the gym. Go figure!

Ok Ok I am being rude and offensive, but some of us will be the bread winners of the family unit. We don't take kindly to being told that we don't understand. Maybe they don't understand.

I'm looking for a hobby. I have no hobbies, and feel like this would be beneficial to my wellbeing. I use to make jewelry, but now I cringe at the thought. I'm thinking about sewing (also use to knit, but have zero desire presently). I don't feel excited about anything but being off from work, and when I lose weight....not exactly hobby material. I don't know how to sew, but I love the idea of making my own clothes.

I spent a fortune today. I am going to be in trouble tomorrow but fuck it. The beauty store had buy 2 get 1 free nail polish. Plus, I spent more at a repeat trip to the grocery store. Not to mention preggers dinner and gifts.

Top 5 places I would like to visit:
1. India
2. Antartica (thought about applying for a job)
3. Ecuador
4. Turkey
5. Ireland

Places I have been:
-Germany
-Holland
-Belgium
-Italy
-Czechoslovakia (before the split)
-France
-England
-Thailand
-Myanmar
-Multiple Caribbean Islands (if they count)
-Mexico

Obviously I mean foreign places. I have been all over the USA. I am an army brat.

My Lady Gaga "Pray for Japan" bracelet came today. Yay. My parents also sent hubby and I a wonderful anniversary gift. Edible Art---it's these pretty fruit arrangements. 4 years total. We have been together since 2002. Sometimes I wish I was single, but only for simplification. I know I am nuts, and it's probably hard for hubby, but he tolerates it. I think he is hanging in there for the doctor pay but I could be wrong.

At least the sex is good. 

Contemplating a Twofer

I might post twice today. It's so early and I am home by myself, but feel like blogging now so we'll see.

I'm thinking of repeating the lemonade party too. I will definitely work out first this time. Last time I felt like I was going to crap myself and had to leave the gym early. I don't feel like going to the gym today. I am getting ready to force myself to go change, but I am dreading it. It is insanely monotonous.

After that I am going to the beauty supply store to look at nail polish. I want to get a pedicure today, but "friend" wants to go later in the week. Our house (which is super duper old--105 years) is really freakin cold today. I really don't know what to do with myself today so I will probably drive around aimlessly with one of the dogs as my company.

I think I have arthritis in one of my toes. It really aches. I don't know why I am sharing this, but I guess it's really depressing to think of having arthritis. I am turning 30 this month. I have mixed feelings. I know aging will give me more respect in my profession. BUT- I still don't want to get old(er).

Summary: I absolutely don't know what to do with myself today, but must avoid stuffing my fat face at all costs. 

144 byotch

Yay-finally.


Mother fuckin  


PROGRESS


What Have I been doing? Two things

Starving
Cross Training


So, my friend kept giving me shit about dieting. So I finally said to her that if I don't weigh the number I want then I won't be coming to her wedding. So, she acted mad at first until I said that she could support me or not. Because, if she doesn't then if my weight sucks than I won't come to her wedding.

Hehe. More support than you could imagine.  Don't tell the hidden weight. Be elusive. All the same weight is 144lbs.

Hubby will be gone Saturday and Sunday. The plan: work out like crazy.

Oy vay-got the hiccups. Must go.

Suck it. My birthday is this month.  

Pink Lemonade Party

I had been doing ok. Until yesterday when I ate a bunch of nachos for dinner. Right now I am doing a colonscopy prep. I'm not having a colonscopy, but just think that I would feel better with a clean colon. A fresh start kind of thing. I guess I could have done a salt water flush type of thing, but I think Crystal Light lemonade tastes much better than salt water.

I'm hoping to go to the gym later today so hopefully I will be able to leave the house.

I guess what sucks about the prep is that I have to drink like 2 liters of lemonade. I still have more left to drink, and am already tired of lemonade.

I feel like puking. I have drank so much so quickly :( I was trying to be done so I chugged and chugged and chugged. I have one glass left (a huge glass) to drink. If I vomit I am going to be pissed.

______________________________________________________

So, it's like 5+ hours later. I didn't puke. I was able to do 30 minutes of cardio at the gym before worrying I might shit myself so no yoga tonight. I would totally do this again (on a weekend). I am spotless on the inside. It's fabulous.

Tentative plan is liquid diet for the next 2 days then re-evaluate.

Time to say goodbye

Dear Mia,

I hate you. Please go away and do not come back. I hope you get herpes in your eye and die from it.

Go to hell,
Chickadee